Sunday, August 30, 2009

'THAT' Mom

Just sitting here at work and I was thinking...

I was THAT mom. I was the one that the NICU got a call that morning of the 8th saying they have a 26 weeker coming, get ready. And not only was Nolan 26 weeks, he was the size of a 20 week baby! So yes, I am THAT mom who gave birth to the baby the NICU staff probably got a little anxious about when they got the call.

And I do remember, as I was laying on the OR table asking Dr F if the NICU team was there yet. Who knows, I obviously knew that they would be there but it was like I needed to know they would be.

Why am I thinking this? Well as a therapist who did time in the NICU and did a lot of deliveries as a student, I remember THOSE moments. I remember the therapists saying "Ahh this is no good, a 25 weeker is coming in" I never would have thought I would have been that person, how naive. (Yup, that's me on the right, 4 years ago getting ready for a baby coming from a c-section)

I remember the first 25 weeker I helped deliver. I remember them telling the Mom he might not be big enough and to pray he is over 500g. Wow... 4 years later, I am that very same Mom. Nolan was 368g!

I also remember my second trip to the NICU to visit Nolan, I ran into a therapist I knew who was working with Nolan. He just looked at me like holy crap, why are you here!? So I tell him and he asks what baby is mine. Ummm, the smallest one in here. And the look in his eyes, I knew what he was thinking. My son probably gave him one good heart attack when he came out and they were trying to get his airway. I am SO THANKFUL that they tried, because it proved to the fetal specialist that he had a chance. Thank the Lord!

So anyways, I was just sitting here thinking about that day. I guess I was putting myself into the therapists shoes that got to work on Nolan. I wonder what was running through their head. I didn't think much about it at the time, because honestly I didn't care about all the details. I was there as a Mom, I was not there to read ABG's or look at his vent settings, because I was there just to be with him. So now, probably because I am back working, I wonder what the therapists that took care of Nolan thought about him. I mean, I think about my patients and my critical ones... you can watch the path they are heading on and sometimes predict the outcome. I wonder if they predicted Nolan's outscome. Seriously, he was pretty darn amazing to make it those 3 days... why not a million more?


Rachel H. said...

Good questions and thoughts! I know that I would wonder what they were thinking too, and I would most likely have to ask them when we had some quiet time and I could ask them their thoughts.

4stemmes said...

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through but I just wanted to share that I am an ICU nurse and I have similar thoughts any time a family member or friend is in the hospital. It is very awkward and frightening to be on the other side of things; especially because we have seen the worst case scenarios too many times. Hang in there, girl. I truly admire your strength and your words almost always move me to tears.

Bluebird said...

Oh, wow. What a strange and unique perspective! And how can you not wonder? And what an amazing little fighter Nolan was :)

u_talk2much said...

I have been following your blog for a while. You have touched me the love for you son is amazing. Your strength going through this is amazing. I also have to say I saw a yellow butterfly on Saturday. He came up and said hello. I thought of you and Nolan and said a small prayer for you. I have a feeling that is the way it will be from now on. You are in my prayers. You are blessed! Thank you!

Lisa said...

I have nominated you for the honest scrap award. Please visit my blog for the details. HUGS!