Sunday, June 6, 2010

If I can only…

If I can only get through this week, I will feel better. I know I will, I have survived a lot and I know a lot of it is the anticipation of this weeks events that make it worse. One foot in front of another, expect to cry and feel things I haven’t felt in months and remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So what are our plans for the week?

Tomorrow I am spending the day preparing for Nolan’s birthday. I plan on attempting cupcakes and hopefully they will turn out. I’m sure I won’t be no Suzy Homemaker and will probably use Funfetti cake mix but that’s my favorite and it’s a no fail. I think the decorating will be my favorite. Hopefully with Dad's help, Mom's knowledge and Val's creativity, I won’t fail.

Nolan’s birthday our family and a few very close friends are spending the day out on a pontoon boat out in the ocean. I think we will stock up in beer, sandwiches and snacks and make a few beach stops. Then later visit Nolan and do a balloon release before having a family dinner.

And for the days I’m not looking forward too, I’m not so sure what I will do. I’m not looking forward to it, I am already replaying the events in my head. I just can’t believe it has been a year since I last saw Nolan kick, held Nolan or felt like our life was complete. I never once thought in those 2.5 days, that death was even a threat. I saw it as he made it this far, he will make it out of here. But I learned the hard way things don’t always go as planned.

On the 11th, I will step foot back into the one place I couldn’t wait to get out of that dreaded morning. This time I plan on leaving with new ultrasound pictures vs being wheeled out empty handed. I’m hoping that going there for an ultrasound, I will have something to smile about on that day. Be around the people that were there that morning and see Dr F who saw it all herself and sat and cried with me that very morning. I feel a connection to those people and maybe seeing them, will help even if it’s just a little.

And hopefully after all this, I can feel a sense of relief that we made our first year. I know we will honor Nolan like he deserves, I just look forward to all this being over, that is, at least for another year. And hopefully, next year we have a healthy 6 month old celebrating his/her big brothers birthday with us.

12 comments:

T said...

Ashley,

I've been following your blog just recently and I just wanted to send my condolences to you this week. I lost my son in April to pre-term labor at 23 weeks and when I think ahead to April 2011, I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. This post especially spoke to me when you said "I saw that he made it this far, he will make it out of here." That sentiment comforted me because my husband and I, too, both thought that even though I was contracting at 22 weeks, everything was going to be fine and he would survive all of this. It always helps to feel like such thoughts occur to others and it wasn't that I was cluelessly optimistic, somehow a bad mother for my optimism.

Anyway, congats on your pregnancy and I wish you the best this week.
~T

Betty said...

Ashley my prayers will be with you this week. I recently celebrated Shealyn's first birthday and my mind made me think it was going to be the worst week since the day I lost her. I found that on Shea's birthday I was surrounded by pure peace and love. It was like I was draped in a blanket of comfort. I hope the same for you.

T, you are welcome to follow my blog. I lost Shealyn just under 23 weeks.

The Brennan Family said...

Ashley, I think what you have planned sounds perfect and who doesn't like funfetti cake?!?!? A day on the water surrounded by family is such a special way to honor Nolan. I bet your little yellow butterfly friend will even stop by.

Lauren said...

I promise you will get through this week. It's probably not going to be easy, but you can do it. We will be thinking of you all this week and remembering sweet little Nolan on his birthday and heaven day. He is a special boy and will not be forgotten.

The plans you have for his birthday sounds perfect! I wish I could be there too.

Hugs,
Lauren

Jen J. said...

Sending lots of prayers for you this week. I hope you guys enjoy the boat ride - sounds like a perfect outing for Nolan's 1st birthday!

Lisette said...

Your Birthday plans for Nolan sound perfect!!! Can't wait to see photos of your cupcakes. I am continue to pray that you will be blessed with lots of peace and calmness this week. I can't imagine the emotions you are feeling. I know I will understand it once October comes around. I think having the ultrasound that day is a good thing. Somehow that day you will smile, Nolan will make sure of that.

Take it easy and know that there are many of us thinking of Nolan, you and the rest of your family, ((HUGS))

Lisette said...

Your Birthday plans for Nolan sound perfect!!! Can't wait to see photos of your cupcakes. I am continue to pray that you will be blessed with lots of peace and calmness this week. I can't imagine the emotions you are feeling. I know I will understand it once October comes around. I think having the ultrasound that day is a good thing. Somehow that day you will smile, Nolan will make sure of that.

Take it easy and know that there are many of us thinking of Nolan, you and the rest of your family, ((HUGS))

Cecilia said...

A day on the water sounds like a perfect way to celebrate Nolan! We remembered our son's first birthday in April, and I went through a lot of the same emotions. I hope your cupcakes turn out the way you want, I understand wanting everything to turn out perfect!

Michelle said...

Sending you lots f love over these next few days! I pray that your heart will find peace as you celebrate your sweet angel!

Jill said...

Thinking about you & your family always Ashley. Nolan will have a beautiful day planned for him, as family & friends gather. I can't wait to see pictures of these cupcakes! I couldn't trust myself with Naomi's, I know I would either cry or mess them up. Plus, I would not even have to rethink to ask my best friend, who is a baker & I couldnt think of anyone better. If I was confident in my own baking skills, I would try! Ha, I know yours will come out just beautiful, and Nolan will be proud.

I have been thinking about when your next apt would be! We have ours the same week! Hugs & will be thinking about you like always!

Angie said...

I love your plans.

Thinking about you.

Maggie said...

I hope so too Ashley! What you are doing for Nolan sounds wonderful. I'm sure it's going to be a beautiful day! I know it's easier said than done, but take it one day at a time. :)