If I can only get through this week, I will feel better. I know I will, I have survived a lot and I know a lot of it is the anticipation of this weeks events that make it worse. One foot in front of another, expect to cry and feel things I haven’t felt in months and remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
So what are our plans for the week?
Tomorrow I am spending the day preparing for Nolan’s birthday. I plan on attempting cupcakes and hopefully they will turn out. I’m sure I won’t be no Suzy Homemaker and will probably use Funfetti cake mix but that’s my favorite and it’s a no fail. I think the decorating will be my favorite. Hopefully with Dad's help, Mom's knowledge and Val's creativity, I won’t fail.
Nolan’s birthday our family and a few very close friends are spending the day out on a pontoon boat out in the ocean. I think we will stock up in beer, sandwiches and snacks and make a few beach stops. Then later visit Nolan and do a balloon release before having a family dinner.
And for the days I’m not looking forward too, I’m not so sure what I will do. I’m not looking forward to it, I am already replaying the events in my head. I just can’t believe it has been a year since I last saw Nolan kick, held Nolan or felt like our life was complete. I never once thought in those 2.5 days, that death was even a threat. I saw it as he made it this far, he will make it out of here. But I learned the hard way things don’t always go as planned.
On the 11th, I will step foot back into the one place I couldn’t wait to get out of that dreaded morning. This time I plan on leaving with new ultrasound pictures vs being wheeled out empty handed. I’m hoping that going there for an ultrasound, I will have something to smile about on that day. Be around the people that were there that morning and see Dr F who saw it all herself and sat and cried with me that very morning. I feel a connection to those people and maybe seeing them, will help even if it’s just a little.
And hopefully after all this, I can feel a sense of relief that we made our first year. I know we will honor Nolan like he deserves, I just look forward to all this being over, that is, at least for another year. And hopefully, next year we have a healthy 6 month old celebrating his/her big brothers birthday with us.