I knew it was coming, I felt it building up and now today I can't seem to kick the things that are irratating the crap out of me
Today I am upset that I know what grieving a child is like.
Today I am angry that Nolan's NICU stay didn't have a happy ending. The new NICU show on Discovery Health commercial is getting me every time it comes on. That damn songs lyrics don't apply to me, so I get angry.
Today I cry because I mourn never doing certain things with Nolan
This week I am overly emotional to the fact that I can't pull out the box that has my old maternity clothes because all of Nolans clothes, bedding and stuff is also in there. Maybe it's better that I just get some new stuff instead.
Today, I am overly frustrated with my sleep schedule when I work. I am too tired to stay awake the nights before I work so I can sleep. I pass out at 8pm and am wide awake the whole next day. Tonight, I am going to work despite NO sleep and numerous unsuccessful attempts to nap. But I know that as 8pm rolls around, I'll be fighting to stay awake. I need to get off this schedule, I don't remember being as tired last time. I don't care how tired I am, it means baby is growing but this schedule is NOT helping.
This week, I am irratated I caved in and gave up Facebook. I miss it in some ways and know it won't be too long before I find myself back in the grind. Im actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. But this month was hard- REAL hard. Just in Nolan's week alone...3 babies were born healthy(praise the lord) but for me it was just too much to see on everyones updates and such. I felt so alone and could feel the stress set in- so I removed myself. I know it sounds so stupid, BUT since being away from FB I feel better for the time being. Of course I miss the stalking and random inside jokes, but in time I will be back at it full force. lol.
This week, I am feeling hopeless about my MFM and I know they need to be included in the equation. If it was up to me, I would stick with just my OB because she is simply awesome. But I know that my status is too dangerous and high risk for that. I wish Nashville was clo
ser so I could see her best friend who is an MFM.
June is almost over. I survived but with a lot of ups and downs. Many I didn't even blog about. I am just thankful it is over and I feel a little sense of relief like I can fully focus on this pregnancy. Not that I didn't before, but I lived in grief. As long as the good news keeps coming on this baby's growth, I can attempt to remain positive.
So for now, I will just live my life week by week and ultrasound to ultrasound every 2 weeks. I will thank my lucky stars every time we get to hear/see a heartbeat and get good news on growth. And as much as I hate not having Nolan here, I have to remind myself that we have a very special angel watching over this blessing.
Dont mind the crappy iphone pic, but we all thought it was funny it looks like the baby is talking on a phone. This scan was at 13 weeks, measuring 13.4.