Monday, June 28, 2010

Today & This Week

I knew it was coming, I felt it building up and now today I can't seem to kick the things that are irratating the crap out of me

Today I am upset that I know what grieving a child is like.
Today I am angry that Nolan's NICU stay didn't have a happy ending. The new NICU show on Discovery Health commercial is getting me every time it comes on. That damn songs lyrics don't apply to me, so I get angry.
Today I cry because I mourn never doing certain things with Nolan
This week I am overly emotional to the fact that I can't pull out the box that has my old maternity clothes because all of Nolans clothes, bedding and stuff is also in there. Maybe it's better that I just get some new stuff instead.

Today, I am overly frustrated with my sleep schedule when I work. I am too tired to stay awake the nights before I work so I can sleep. I pass out at 8pm and am wide awake the whole next day. Tonight, I am going to work despite NO sleep and numerous unsuccessful attempts to nap. But I know that as 8pm rolls around, I'll be fighting to stay awake. I need to get off this schedule, I don't remember being as tired last time. I don't care how tired I am, it means baby is growing but this schedule is NOT helping.

This week, I am irratated I caved in and gave up Facebook. I miss it in some ways and know it won't be too long before I find myself back in the grind. Im actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. But this month was hard- REAL hard. Just in Nolan's week alone...3 babies were born healthy(praise the lord) but for me it was just too much to see on everyones updates and such. I felt so alone and could feel the stress set in- so I removed myself. I know it sounds so stupid, BUT since being away from FB I feel better for the time being. Of course I miss the stalking and random inside jokes, but in time I will be back at it full force. lol.

This week, I am feeling hopeless about my MFM and I know they need to be included in the equation. If it was up to me, I would stick with just my OB because she is simply awesome. But I know that my status is too dangerous and high risk for that. I wish Nashville was clo
ser so I could see her best friend who is an MFM.

June is almost over. I survived but with a lot of ups and downs. Many I didn't even blog about. I am just thankful it is over and I feel a little sense of relief like I can fully focus on this pregnancy. Not that I didn't before, but I lived in grief. As long as the good news keeps coming on this baby's growth, I can attempt to remain positive.

So for now, I will just live my life week by week and ultrasound to ultrasound every 2 weeks. I will thank my lucky stars every time we get to hear/see a heartbeat and get good news on growth. And as much as I hate not having Nolan here, I have to remind myself that we have a very special angel watching over this blessing.

Dont mind the crappy iphone pic, but we all thought it was funny it looks like the baby is talking on a phone. This scan was at 13 weeks, measuring 13.4.


Krystle said...

Ashley, I will be the first to admit I can in no way, shape or form understand what you are going through. In your work life, home life & pregnant (with an a super growing baby) life. I think you are handling everything GREAT. No one can ask any more of you than you are giving, and I think you are giving more & doing better than the average person. I continue to hope your little one stays ahead of track and that you have many more weeks of pregnancy to enjoy!

Soko's Journey to Parenthood said...

I saw something today that I thought you might like and maybe it would help to snuggle up to when those hard days come on so quickly.

Keeping you in our prayers.

Lori said...

Baby's beautiful and it's very cute to see the talking on the phone.

I had to put myself on a Google ban...thankfully, as old as I am, not many people who are 'before' friends are having babies and those FB friends who are are mostly women having Rainbow Babies so I get encouragement from them.

But Google...oh, Google gives me far, far too much to worry about!

So, I try, like you, to live week to week (alternating between OB and MFM) and every 2 weeks for pictures...and am thankful for each wonderful appointment.

Hoping you can get some restorative rest--building up great placenta takes a lot out of you!!!!!

Mrs. Mother said...

Who is the MFM in Nashville? I wonder if it's the same practice I went to. You can leave me a message about it on my blog if you want. And, I'm sorry you are feeling irritated. Hope you feel better soon.

belle said...


oh the emotions of rainbow babies!!! i just did my own rambling post about that.

screaming praises for each every healthy appt you have and remembering nolan every day with you.

Maggie said...

Ashley, I can only imagine all of the emotions and worry that is going on right now. I'm wishing you many more peaceful, restful days ahead and I'm thinking of you all the time! I love that ultrasound picture. It does look like baby is talking on the phone. :) Maybe he or she is talking to Nolan!

Jill said...

Ah! I have been thinking about you so much and almost asked Laura how you were but then I thought I better just find your blog again. I am on another computer because my old phone broke and I lost all of my blogs I have saved. I had done the anti fb for awhile and i loved being away from it, but then I got attached back on it. But I think I may drift away from it sooner or later too for right now, its just too much. Even tho I am expecting again, seeing first time moms and their healthy babies, yes I am happy for them, but my questions appear, why me? Anyways hugs, lots of hugs! i surely miss yah, even tho we arent close nor do we know each other personally! I am glad baby is doing well! Hugs, June is almost over. I hate this month as well.

Miche said...

What a beautiful baby you have there! Grow baby grow :)

Bluebird said...

What a sweet picture :)

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and cheering you on. Wishing you all the strength and peace in the world. If you ever feel like venting outside this space, you know where to find me ;)