Nolan was a fighter in every way I can think of. It's why we named you Nolan, meaning little fighter. Nolan, you were the best thing that happened to Chris and I for the 3 days we got to have you in our life. You were our favorite little token from our honeymoon that we could have wished and asked for. Chris and I fought for you and gave you every chance you deserved. We wanted nothing more to be parents and I know you knew that. We never gave up on you Nolan, no matter what Doctors told us at every appointment, we had faith in you. We knew you would come and prove them all wrong.
Last night we saw him at 1230am, everything looked great. We went back to our hospital room one floor down and started to go to sleep. We were so excited that the rest of his family was flying down to meet our little miracle tomorrow (now today). We had such a great night with you. The nurse came flying in our room and asked us to go up to the NICU because he was coding. We ran up there to everyone working on our Nolan. It was the worst feeling to see people pumping his chest and drugs being pushed. They opened up the isolette fully for me to hold him while they worked on him. I wanted nothing more than to stay out of the way and let the nurses and RTs do their job but they kept insisting on me being next to him cheering him on and praying for him. We reminded him to keep fighting just like his name said. It was a nightmare coming true right in front of our very eyes. I was holding his whole 13oz body in my hands while they repeated code after code, pumping in his so tiny chest and bagging him while holding him praying. We finally had to tell them stop after being asked if we were ready or not, nothing was working and our poor baby Nolan could not keep fighting any longer. I knew the NICU would be a rollercoaster ride and was ready for that, I wasn;t ready however to get on the broken rollercoaster. It's just not fair.
We love you Nolan, you were the absolute BEST thing that happened to me and your Dad. We realized how it is to love someone so unconditionally and fight for something almost every Docor told us was unfightable. You came early, as much as I didn't want you to, but you saved my life. You knew you had to come early before I got too sick and I put my body in a life threatening situation to save you. You are my life saver. You made every minute of this pregnancy worth it.
You are still so perfect in our eyes Nolan, everything about you. And everyone that got the chance to meet you thought you were so perfect too. You were just a little tiny. You amazed all the NICU nurses and Drs with your strength and they all called you the feisty one. I was so looking forward to you growing up and watching you play basketball with huge huge hands you had that took after your Dads. I couldn't wait to take you, our little Ruby Baby, on your first cruise on the Ruby Princess for our first family vacation.
Thank You Nolan for letting me be your Mommy the past 6 months, and even more so the past 3 days. It was the best days 3 days I could ever ask for. You showed me how strong I really am and how awesome your Daddy was in all your triumphs and tribulations. Last night was the best when I was able to feel like your Mommy by changing your diaper and taking your temperature and helping change your isolette blanket and finally getting the chance to really feel the mommy with you at least once before you went to Heaven.
I know you are so strong Nolan, you proved to us you are these past 6 months. You showed us a true fight the past 3 days. We are proud to call you our first son. We love you Nolan. You taught your Mommy and Daddy never to take anything for granted, you were our special blessing even though you had a rough start, we hope you are at peace now. Life is beautiful, and you are such a miracle and you touched a lot of strangers lives and you don't even realize it.
Love you always our first,
Your Mommy and Daddy