Thursday, June 11, 2009

We love you Nolan & Always Will

Nolan was a fighter in every way I can think of. It's why we named you Nolan, meaning little fighter. Nolan, you were the best thing that happened to Chris and I for the 3 days we got to have you in our life. You were our favorite little token from our honeymoon that we could have wished and asked for. Chris and I fought for you and gave you every chance you deserved. We wanted nothing more to be parents and I know you knew that. We never gave up on you Nolan, no matter what Doctors told us at every appointment, we had faith in you. We knew you would come and prove them all wrong.

Last night we saw him at 1230am, everything looked great. We went back to our hospital room one floor down and started to go to sleep. We were so excited that the rest of his family was flying down to meet our little miracle tomorrow (now today). We had such a great night with you. The nurse came flying in our room and asked us to go up to the NICU because he was coding. We ran up there to everyone working on our Nolan. It was the worst feeling to see people pumping his chest and drugs being pushed. They opened up the isolette fully for me to hold him while they worked on him. I wanted nothing more than to stay out of the way and let the nurses and RTs do their job but they kept insisting on me being next to him cheering him on and praying for him. We reminded him to keep fighting just like his name said. It was a nightmare coming true right in front of our very eyes. I was holding his whole 13oz body in my hands while they repeated code after code, pumping in his so tiny chest and bagging him while holding him praying. We finally had to tell them stop after being asked if we were ready or not, nothing was working and our poor baby Nolan could not keep fighting any longer. I knew the NICU would be a rollercoaster ride and was ready for that, I wasn;t ready however to get on the broken rollercoaster. It's just not fair.

We love you Nolan, you were the absolute BEST thing that happened to me and your Dad. We realized how it is to love someone so unconditionally and fight for something
almost every Docor told us was unfightable. You came early, as much as I didn't want you to, but you saved my life. You knew you had to come early before I got too sick and I put my body in a life threatening situation to save you. You are my life saver. You made every minute of this pregnancy worth it.

You are still so perfect in our eyes Nolan, everything about you. And everyone that got the chance to meet you thought you were so perfect too. You were just a little tiny. You amazed all the NICU nurses and Drs with your strength and they all called you the feisty one. I was so looking forward to you growing up and watching you play basketball with huge huge hands you had that took after your Dads. I couldn't wait to take you, our little Ruby Baby, on your first cruise on the Ruby Princess for our first family vacation.

Thank You Nolan for letting me be your Mommy the past 6 months, and even more so the past 3 days. It was the best days 3 days I could ever ask for. You showed me how strong I really am and how awesome your Daddy was in all your triumphs and tribulations. Last night was the best when I was able to feel like your Mommy by changing your diaper and taking your temperature and helping change your isolette blanket and finally getting the chance to really feel the mommy with you at least once before you went to Heaven.

I know you are so strong Nolan, you proved to us you are these past 6 months. You showed us a true fight the past 3 days. We are proud to call you our first son. We love you Nolan. You taught your Mommy and Daddy never to take anything for granted, you were our special blessing even though you had a rough start, we hope you are at peace now. Life is beautiful, and you are such a miracle and you touched a lot of strangers lives and you don't even realize it.

Love you always our first,
Your Mommy and Daddy

78 comments:

kandp said...

I am so saddened to hear about the passing of your sweet little boy, Nolan. He was so strong and courageous during his short life. A fighter for sure. I have been praying for your family since I started following your blog. I pray for strength and clarity as you continue with life, and rejoice that your precious son is in Heaven and will be walking with you every step of your life.

Brittany said...

I am so sorry Ashley. I have been following your family's story every step of the way and I was hoping all the best for you, your husband, and your adorable baby boy. May the angels be with him now.

Kami said...

Ashley and Chris, I am so sorry for your loss. Your little boy was beautiful and I'm sorry that you had him in your life for such a short time. I am so impressed by the strength that you all have shown so far and I wish you more of the same in the coming days.
Take care,
Kami

Azull said...

Oh Ashley and Chris, I'm so sorry to hear about little Nolan passing. He was truely a fighter as his name implied. Tons of hugs and prayers for you and your families.

Nicole said...

I am so sorry for your loss Ashley. Nolan was such a little fighter, he truly was a little miracle baby. I will continue to send thoughts and prayers to you, Chris, and the rest of your family. Just know that Nolan is amongst the angels up above and will be looking down on you and Chris every day. We love you Ashley, please let us know if you need anything at all. We are all here for you guys.

Amy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your little man was so cute, and such a fighter. I know that nothing anyone says is going to make this time any better for you and your husband, but please know you are in my prayers.

chickymel said...

I am so sorry Ashley and Chris. Nolan was so handsome and such a fighter. I am sending prayers and hugs as you get through this hard time. So many people love you.

Kimberly said...

I am so sorry for your loss Ashley and Chris. Nolan was quite the fighter that is for sure. I pray for your strength and healing.

SgtEriksWife said...

Dear Ashley & Chris... Erik and I are both so very saddened to hear that your precious baby boy lost his battle. You've all shown so much courage these past 2 months. Our hearts ache for you and your families. Lean on us for strength and support - we are always here for you.
With our love and deepest condolences,
Lisa & Erik

Christina said...

Ashley and Chris I'm honestly don't know what to say. Nolan was such a fighter and amazed all of us that followed your story. He knew that you both were watching over him and loved him as much as possible. Keeping you both and your families in our prayers during this challenging time. Let us know if we can do anything.

Baby K said...

Guys, my heart breaks for you. I am so desperately sorry for your loss. What an incredible little fighter Nolan was. My heart goes out to you and you will continue to be in my prayers.

Pandesaldreamer said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Nolan. I was rooting for him so much and believed that he was going to make it each time I read what accomplishments he made. My prayers are with you and your family.

Sara B said...

Ashley, I'm so sorry. I was following your blog since you posted on the Preemies board and I was praying for you and Baby Nolan. I can't imagine what you feel right now, but I will pray for you, your husband and Baby Nolan. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Kate said...

i am so sorry.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know I can't say anything to make you feel better. Just know that baby Nolan and your family will be in my prayers and thoughts.

Kelly, Louis, and Ruby said...

Your sweet angel... I'm so sorry for loss, and so happy that you had those three days with your darling son Nolan. May he have sweet dreams forever and ever...

Heather said...

I am so very sorry.

Chrissy said...

He did touch a lot of people's lives wihthout even realizing it. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your 'little fighter'.

~Fellow Bumpie

Erin said...

My heart breaks for you and your husband and little Nolan. You don't me, I'm a fellow Bumpie, but I've been following your story and I just had to excuse myself from my desk to cry a lot of tears for you and your family. I can't say how sorry I am for your loss. You will be in my prayers.

MizzDimka said...

I am so sorry you had to let your angel go so early. I am sure he knows he is very loved and will be remembered forever. Blessings to you, your angel and the rest of your family.

Katy said...

I don't even have the words to say to you right now. I am so deeply sorry Ashley and Chris. Nolan touched so many of our lives so deeply in the past three days. He will never be forgotten. I love you all, stay strong in this horrible time.

Dana said...

I have been thinking about you and your family - I wish you all strength and love. You are an amazing family and will continue to grow. Much love to you and yours!

Kristen said...

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your amazing beautiful son. He definately was a fighter and he was so blessed to have the most amazing people in his life to call mommy and daddy. You will continue to be in my prayers and thoughts during this difficult time in your lives. {{hugs}}

. said...

My heart goes out to you both and your families.I'm so sorry. Thoughts and prayers coming your way.

Morgan said...

Ashley and Chris,
I'm so sorry this happened. Nolan was a blessing upon this world and he fought so hard to be here and spend time with his mommy and daddy.
He is now wrapped in angels arms and will always be with you. It was a privilege to be able to get to know him if only for a few days.
xoxoxox

cmatsukes said...

Oh Ashley when I left home I did not know about his passing I am so sorry I am crying right now I wanted so much for him to be ok. But I know god and his family in heaven will take care of him. Please let me know if I can do anything for me even if you just want to talk I love you guys and I already loved that little one. Take care and hold each other. Love Aunt Chris.

Sar(Mrs.Teddy) said...

Ashley & Chris, my thoughts & prayers are with both of you & all of yoru family. I have been following your blog for sometime (from the bump)and know that your little man truly was a fighter, we will forever be a part of your family & your hearts.

Shaina N said...

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I know that those words don't do anything to comfort you in this time of grief, but I will continue to be in prayer for you and your husband.

Nolan is a precious baby, and I know he's waiting for you in heaven.

nsees said...

Ashley and Chris,

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Little Nolan truly touched so many people in his short little life. I will continue to pray for your comfort and healing during this most difficult time.

- Fellow bumpie

Mary said...

I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. Sending love and prayers your way.

Alison said...

Ashley and Chris,
I was so saddened this morning to learn that your beautiful little boy had passed. My heart just breaks for you. I know that your life was blessed in so many ways by him, and he was blessed to have such loving, strong parents. He was a true fighter, and so are the two of you.
Know that all of the DW knotties are keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

I know that you will hear this over & over but I am truly sorry for your loss. I have followed your blog for a while now & Nolan's story has & always will hold a place in my heart. My heart goes out to Nolan, you & your family.

REILLY said...

Ash, our hearts break for you and Chris.
Please let me know if there is anything that I can do.

-Reilly and David Glasser

Mary said...

I am so sorry! Tons of hugs and prayers for you and your family.

marelina said...

ashley, that was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. he will always be with y'all watching from above. you and chris are in my prayers. much love!

marelina

Laura said...

Ashley and Chris, my heart just aches for you both and your sweet angel. May God hold Nolan close and give you the strength you need. Many prayers

Therese said...

My Dear Chris and Ashley:
God has a new Angel. I send you all my Love. I have been praying for you and Nolan, and will keep you all close in my thoughts and in my heart. I am in awe of your strength, courage and love. The gratitude with which you speak here of your journey is a lesson to us all. May God grant you peace in knowing that you kept your faith so completely. My Mom (Beverly) wishes she could be with you now, as do I. We will see you soon, no doubt.
Your Cousin,
Therese

<3 Loo Hoo <3 said...

Ashley I am so sorry for your loss. I started following your blog after seeing a post on the preemie board. Unfortunatley, I have been there and if you need to talk or vent let me know.

<3 Loo Hoo <3 said...

I am so sorry Ashley. I started following your blog after seeing a post on the preemie board. Unfortunatley I've been there, so if you need to talk or vent let me kno.

Jen J. said...

A fellow Nestie directed me to your blog. I just want you to know that I was crying reading this post...my heart is so saddened for you and your husband and Nolan. You, your husband & your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Nolan will be watching over his mommy & daddy from heaven. :o)

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry Ashley and Chris. Baby Nolan was so cute and I'm sure he knows how much you both love him. God bless you and your family.

Victoria said...

I am so sorry :( My deepest sympathies to you and your family

Mom2Be said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your strength is apparant in your heart wrenching story...my prayers are with you, your husband and Nolan.

The Geary's said...

Bless you and your family throughout this difficult time. You are a beacon of strength in such an emotional ordeal.

Krystle said...

Ashley, I started following your blog after a post you had left on thebump. I sit here with tears streaming down my face for you. You have honestly been more brave than anyone would have been in the situation. I would have been a mess from day 1..May Nolan be at peace and you, your husband and your family find solaec in that.

BloggingBride said...

Hi,

I just found out about your baby and I truly sit here in tears. I'm a knottie turned nestie that followed you through your entire wedding process and was so excited to know you were expecting. After I found out about Nolan being born early I followed too and prayed for you and your entire family. May he rest in peace...I admire your strong will. God bless you all!

deegee84 said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I have been following your story since I found out about the birth of Nolan. My heart breaks for you. Please never lose the strength and hope that he has given to you.

Shannon said...

Ashley and Chris, I am so sorry to hear about Nolan. It's so hard to find words to express the sadness I feel. I know Nolan appreciates everything you did for him and is looking down on you and will take care of you now. You have shown such strength through this entire process and I wish you all the best in the upcoming days. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Amy J said...

Ashley - he is alive in our hearts and most of all in the eyes of his mom and dad!! You will see him again baby - love and prayers for you both -

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. He was a beautiful little boy.
~fellow DW knottie

Sarah said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

-A fellow bumpie

Christy said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Nolan was a beautiful baby.
You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart aches for you guys. Lean on each other during this difficult time. You will need each other more now than ever. Take care.

Kristen said...

I am so very sorry, Ashley. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jill said...

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby Nolan, he was truly a miracle! He was such a little fighter as his name implied. I'm sorry he was only here with you for a few days, but may he rest in peace with the Angels above. We all know you will meet him again some day, just remember he is looking down at you and your husband every minute of the day. My thoughts and prayers have been with you and your family all day and I will continue to pray for your strenth. You guys are so strong.. Hugs!

Morgan said...

I am so so sorry to hear about Nolan. Stay strong.

Shelley said...

Ashley and Chris, I am so sorry. It's not fair such a great couple has to go through this. You definitely don't deserve it. I'll keep sending my prayers and strength. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

Jamie said...

WOW Ash. words can explain how sorry i am. i cried when i read this. he was the cutest little guy ever and he will hold a special place in everyone's heart forever. your story has touched so many. stay strong. i love you and will continue to keep you in my prayers!

Blair said...

I am so full of sorrow at your loss. Nolan put up an amazing fight, as did you & Chris. He earned his name in every sense of the word -- something that some of us don't manage to achieve in 30 years, let alone 3 days.

Prayers will continue for your healing & comfort. You are an amazing testament to the strength of motherhood & its unconditional love.

Love,
B

Ashley said...

What a beautiful letter, Ashley. There are no words to express the sadness I am feeling for you right now. He was the most handsome little fighter I have ever seen. He was lucky to have parents as amazing as the two of you. My thouhts and prayers are with you.

Joy said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your little fighter. I have been following your blog from the bump, and have found you to be an inspiration for how to live a faith-filled life. May God bless you both with His peace, and hold Nolan in His arms until you meet again. Thank you for sharing your journey; I will continue to pray for you all.
~Fellow Bumpie

eamaines said...

I am so very saddened to learn of Baby Nolan's passing. May God be with you, Ashley & Chris and give you strength in the coming days, weeks, months & years. Know that he is at peace and looking down upon you every single day knowing that you were the best parents a child could have.
Much love,
Annie & Eric
ND Nestie

Jessica said...

I can't say anymore than what's already been said...

I am so sorry to hear that Nolan passed away.

The husband and I send our thoughts and prayers.

Valerie said...

Your little guy was on my mind all day and I'm so sorry for your loss. Little angel Nolan is in my prayers as is you & your DH. I am so sorry.((HUGS))

14years said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little Nolan. I have been following your blog from the bump, and my heart is just broken for you and your husband. Your post today was beautiful, but I am so sorry you had to make it. Nolan was a very lucky baby to have you for his mommy. You and your family will remain in my prayers.

Dani said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your little Nolan was a beautiful boy. The things you wrote in your blog today were absolutely beautiful, and a perfect description of a mother's love and the importance of cherishing each moment. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and will continue to be as your healing begins.

kimmimi75 said...

Ashley and Chris,

Even though you don't know me, I have been following your story and I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you and checking up on you often. I am soooo very sorry for your loss and Nolan was a fighter and even though your time was short with him, I am so glad for you that you have so many blogs, stories, pictures, videos and memories to celebrate his short little life.

My heart breaks for you and I pray that God is with you during this time and that he helps you to remember and celebrate Nolan's life and gives you the strength you need to carry on!

HUGS!!!

Doodle and Bug said...

*sobs*
*hugs*

orfinani said...

Ashley & Chris, I won't pretend to know the pain you are feeling right now. I am so incredibly sorry that little Nolan lost his fight. He definitely earned his name. There is a bit of joy in the fact that you got to meet him and be his parents. You and your families will continue to be in my prayers, as you have been since the beginning of this journey. Have faith in knowing that Nolan is watching you from above and will always know how much you will ALWAYS love him.

Patricia said...

Ashley and Chris,I pray for your strength and healing.
My heart goes out to you and you will continue to be in my prayers. May God's love give you comfort in the days ahead. Your little angel... I am so sorry for your loss.
May God Bless....
Patsy

Heather said...

Ashley and Chris, I am so saddened to hear about Nolan's passing. He was beautiful, strong and amazing. My prayers continue to go out for you and your family. Take care, Heather

Jacks2583 said...

Ashley and Chris,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little angel, Nolan. I wish there was something I could do or say to comfort you in these times. Your strength amazes me. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know Nolan is looking down on you and thanking God for what wonderful parents he was given, even if his time with you was brief.

Skye (DW nestie SLewis)

cherylrael said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I've been keeping you in my thoughts everyday. May God bless sweet Nolan and your family. Thank you so much for sharing you story.
(((Hugs))

Holly said...

Ashley and Chris, thank you for sharing your journey with us all. I have been praying for your family every day since I started following your blog, and you both and your sweet baby have inspired me so much. Your courage and undying faith have been an amazing example of true love. Thank you, and know that you have a lot of people praying for your family.

Lisa said...

Ashley & Chris -
I am so very sorry. No parent should ever have to experience this. I am praying for your comfort. *hugs*

- fellow Bumpie

p's thoughts said...

God bless you.

Proud Mommy of Two said...

Dear Ashley and Chris,

I came across your blog through a friend, and couldn't stop reading once I started. My son was born at 32 weeks, but was the size of a 27 week old- far from Nolan's size. My little boy weighed 1045 grams, more than 3 times Nolan's size, yet the tiniest baby our hospital had seen in months. Cain made it through his rough start. I wish with all my heart that your angel had as well. I can't imagine what it is like to not make it through those times, but I know no one should have to go through any of it.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I hope you can heal from this. I wish you all the best, and know that your son has indeed touched our lives. He was a fighter in life, and is a guardian thereafter.

Much love,
Cassandra, Chris, Cain and Caira

becky v said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Nolan was beautiful.

becky v said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Nolan was beautiful.