Friday, July 10, 2009

1 month in Heaven

Dear Nolan,

I'm writing this in complete tears because I miss you so terribly. This is probably the worst night to be home alone, but I am because your Daddy went to work and plans fell through to keep me busy. So I am sitting here wide awake and alone waiting for the 230-330am hour to pass because it's when you went to Heaven exactly 1 month ago.

1 month ago it was our last night with you, we left you in the NICU around 12:30am after Nana and Pops came to give you one last visit for the night. We were actually up there pretty late hanging out but I am so happy we did. You did the funniest thing too. When Daddy and I walked in, Dad asked you if you were behaving yourself and you instantly took both hands and covered your ears. We laughed saying you were talking back to us already. You were so freaking handsome Nolan. We left there never thinking it would be our last time seeing you. On the way back to Mommy's room we were all talking about how Aunt Maggie was flying down to meet you the next day and how about Grandpa Jim was going to meet you in a few days and we all made a bet you would make him cry.

We all went back to Mommy's hospital room and Nana & Pops hung out for awhile and ended up leaving pretty late. I had actually just started pumping for you right after they left, and I fell asleep doing it. So when I woke up still attached I yelled at your Daddy for letting me fall asleep. I was so happy because I got a lot for you and was just about to bring it out to the nurse when she came flying in saying the NICU called about you.

She detached me from my IV fluid and your Daddy and I ran up there. I never expected this to be the end. Everyone in the NICU was working on you, thinking about it is so heartbreaking. They were doing CPR and trying to get your heartbeat back. It would only come back for a few seconds at a time after giving you epi. Nothing was working, it was time for you to go to heaven. It was so hard for me baby. Being a respiratory therapist in the hospital working with adults I am confident when we stop a code on an adult, but for you it was so different. I didn't want to give up on you.

They had me hold you while they continued to do CPR and asked us if we were ready because it was time. They had worked on you for a long time and your poor 13oz body couldn't take anymore, I couldn't watch you suffer. I just remember looking at your respiratory therapist and asking what she would do....I knew she couldn't answer, but I was looking for the RT to RT yes, it's time. But she just said she couldn't give me that answer, I knew that...but it felt better to ask. But how could I give up on you, I fought so hard for you the entire pregnancy and I watched you first hand fight so hard in the NICU. But it was so hard not to keep fighting for you, but I knew you would be more at peace in Heaven.

I question God everyday why he took you. I know he has his reasons and I will understand them one day because God is good, but right now I just don't and won't understand for awhile. I try to reason it by saying you were too sick for this earth but NO! looked so PERFECT so how could you be so sick?!

I'm struggling with out you Nolan, everything and I mean everything reminds me of you. I am reminded how you aren't here with us right now, and I am being selfish for wanting you back but we dreamed so hard for you. It is so hard to see all my other friends have their babies because you were suppose to meet them and be baby friends with them. I'm still suppose to be pregnant with them and anxiously awaiting your arrival just like they still are! I know your looking down on all of us, but I miss you so much and would rather have you here. All I have left is my locket of you and your blanket, which I sleep with every night and wipe my never ending tears with.

Nolan, I want to hold you. I want to be visiting you in the hospital right now. I want to feel your kicks against my hands and stroke your precious little head. I want to read you The Very Hungry Caterpillar and sing you a lullaby. I want to take your temperature again and change your diaper. I want to watch you grow and cheer you on. I just want to be your Mommy here on Earth more than ANYTHING in this world right now.

I miss you munchkin. You were the absolute most perfect 13 ounces I have ever seen. You were a true miracle that you were even able to fight for those 3 days. You gave your Mommy & Daddy a chance to meet you. We marveled over you. I just wish I would have spent way more time with you up in the NICU. I wanted to give the nurses and RT's their space and let them do their thing. But I wish I would have spent many more hours up there just watching your amazing self fight.

Today when your Daddy gets home, we have a whole day planned in your honor. Uncle Hunkins drove down this weekend to visit us since he couldn't make your service. So we are going to go visit you with him and then go play 18 holes in golf. I'm doing this for you munchkin, I NEVER golf but I am determined to play and have a good time for you. Then I think were going to all go out to dinner with Uncle Hunkins and Pops. I'm sure we will spend a lot of time talking about you, how could we not?

I love you with all my breaking heart Nolan. I look forward to the day I can hold you once again in my arms. But until then I have to live my life for you and do things you never got to.

Your Mommy


Azull said...


I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. My experience doesn't even come close to what you guys have gone through, but I do know how the feeling empty feels like.

I wish I could take all your pain away, but we can't. We can just be here for you.


Katy said...

I can't believe it's already been a month. Love and miss you Nolan.

Nicole said...

{{{Hugs Ashley}}} My thoughts and prayers are with you and Chris everyday.