Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Mad

I'm mad at my body.
My headaches are still lurking and I am now back on my blood pressure medication, which helps slightly. My blood pressures are starting to creep back up which caused me to think maybe it's the cause of my headaches. I thought I was pretty lucky to have healed so quickly from the HELLP & Pre-e, but I guess I was wrong. I've never had blood pressure problems before pregnancy and it drives me insane that my body is reacting like it did and how it is reacting now, 5 weeks later!

I'm mad because my body is the reason Nolan came early. I'm mad because I am so afraid of this happening again. I'm mad because I don't have a son in my arms to hold or to post new pictures of or to put happy status updates about him on my FB. I'm out of pictures, you have seen them all. I just don't understand... I was a healthy, young women who just wanted a baby. I had no medical history to cause any of this...so how could this all happen?

Chance?
I'm the unfortunate one who gets to live every pregnant women's nightmare at my expense. Because in the mean time, I'm having to watch everyone elses dream come true, why can't we be in the same spot with them? This is a nightmare, it has forever changed me...in good ways and in bad ways. I am just praying so hard that God will show us more good in the future and give us that baby to bring home we so much desire and not let this happen again. It's easy for people to say "don't worry you will have a healthy one next time", it's an easy response to give a grieving mother. But I wish I could agree with them. Just because you loose one baby doesn't mean you automatically get a healthy one next time...I wish there was a guarantee that we won't face this again. But for now, I will rely on prayers and hope that God is good (I know he is).

It's the unknown that drives me crazy. I am not trying to be negative, I am just being realistic and truthful. In time, my hope and positive vibe will return just like I had when Nolan was still in my belly. But for now, I am discouraged and hopeless. Maybe we will get some answers in the month of August from some blood work, but until then, I'll just pray for good to come in the future and for my body to heal.

4 comments:

Laura said...

*tears* Ashely, my heart just breaks in a million pieces for you. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain.
All of your questions and feelings are so open and honest on your blog, and they really show the amazing, deep love of a mother.

Nothing will ever replace your Nolan, but I pray that God heals your grieving heart and blesses you with a healthy child in the future. My continued thought and prayers are with you daily...*HUGS*

Lauren said...

You are not alone. I've gone through all those feelings at different times too. It gets better, then worse, then better again. I'm sorry. I'm sure more good will come in the future for you and your husband.

Ashley said...

My heart is broken for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you still.

Bree said...

I hear you. I'm mad about losing my Ella too. She was perfect and she died because of things that went wrong with my body (incompetent cervix). It sucks. And, I also feel angry when I have to watch others around me progress in their pregnancies. It's so hard, so unfair. You are not alone.