It was a rough day...started out in mountains of tears. Honestly, I have no clue what triggered it this morning, probably the fact I was starving...Chris was eating scrambled eggs and all that was in the pantry was frosted flakes. Seems like no big deal, but I ate eggs like crazy for the protein that last month I was pregnant to help Nolan grow and I craved frosted flakes every morning. So that's probably what did it. I avoid triggers that remind me of my empty aching arms. It's just easier to grieve that way for now. We are starting therapy soon, next week, but I am still not convinced it will work. Nothing will bring my Nolan back.
I have found comfort in a few new Mom's I have met through blogs and a grief message board for Pre-E & HELLP. It's amazing how naive I was going into this pregnancy. Those 2 lines popped up on the pregnancy test and I thought that immediately equaled a healthy baby in 9 months. Nope, not so much. I have met mothers who had no problems the entire pregnancy and lost their baby at 39 weeks, to Moms that worried through the entire pregnancy like we did and lost their baby at 24 weeks. I have met mothers who thought they got through the pregnancy and NICU experience and lost their baby 3 years later. No parent knows what the future entitles, we just had a small warning something was wrong in the near future for us. I never realized how many mothers share in the same pain I do, unfortunately...I wish it didn't have to be this way for anyone. It's just not fair. I think I now know more than I ever wanted to know on infant loss. It just plain sucks.
I feel now that it's been almost a month, reality is just starting to sink in. I find myself more depressed than I did shortly after he left my arms. I think maybe I was in shock then, now I am realizing it's reality. These next 2 months will be rough, friends having their babies, Nolan's due date, and attempting to go back to work. Work is a whole post of it's own. I find myself asking all those nagging... should've, could've and would've beens with Nolan. I think its because when you loose a family member...mother, father, grandma, grandpa ect...you grieve the past. But when you loose a child, you grieve the future and what isn't there and wonder what would have been there. It's hard and I hate every second of it.
The hardest part of this...Nolan looked absolutely perfect. He was just too small. We have no answers, yes, we know prematurity was against him and his little body couldn't keep the fight up. But what if my body never went into HELLP, I bet he would have held on a few more weeks and he would have ended up being okay- just small, and we would be coming home with him . I wish I had answers, I wish I knew if my body will do this again, and most of all...I wish I knew if I will ever be a mom to a brother or sister for Nolan. I try to stay positive, but my darn body did this, how do I know it wont happen again?
A month ago tonight was our last full night with Nolan, I'm sure today will be just as rough. I really hate Mondays and Wednesday late nights. I know time will eventually help heal, but it's only been 1 month...1 month. It's still very new to us.