Monday, July 27, 2009

Dear Nolan,

I miss you little guy. I don't know what it is about today but I'm missing you sooo much this afternoon- I'm feeling it more today I guess. Maybe it's because everywhere I turn, a baby is in my face, or a pregnant mom is walking by and friends are having babies. It makes me miss you 100 times more when I see that.

I feel like I'm your Mommy but your invisible and only I know about you. It hurts, I should be putting you in the cart when I go grocery shopping or carrying you into restaurants to show you off to friends at dinner. I want to talk about you and brag about you, but don't want to put others in a uncomfortable situation. You are my son, and I loved every single minute I got with you. I am so proud of your courageous fight you put on. You showed those specialist that you would survive, may it be for 3 short days..but you did prove them all wrong.

I ended up crying at church the other morning at Mass. Father Bob called all the kiddies (all ages) and expecting Moms up to the alter give them all a special blessing after the communion. It was so sweet to watch all the 3 and 4 year olds run up there. And to see all the Moms carrying newborns, or all the Moms with big ole bellies go up to the front. And one by one, he gave a special blessing to every single child and expecting Mom that morning. I wanted
so badly to be up there because I too have a son, you. But instead you are outside in a Memorial Garden and in my necklace. Should I have gone up there and had my necklace blessed, I'm sure Father Bob wouldn't have thought twice about it, but I didn't feel like I belonged in that group anymore and I want to so badly. Tears and lots of them just rolled down my face quietly wishing I still had you here with us.

I would never wish my experience on anyone, but I want them to know how much it hurts me for them to have what we don't. But then I don't want our pain to lessen their happiness because I would feel even worse. It sucks the big one, no question. I need your strength to get me through these feelings.

This month is going to be so hard on me Nolan. All my friends are having their babies, and it makes me wish you were here that much more. I want to be awaiting your arrival just like they are. But instead I am learning how to live my life with out you. You make it so hard on me mister, you were so dang cute and perfect looking, I still can't figure out why God chose you to take home.

I made a new flower arrangement for your stone at the Garden. I did it in your favorite colors and added an anchor. It's the same anchor that was on Mommy & Daddy's wedding cake. I still haven't taken your picture away because I like that people get to visually see what a miracle you were when they see it since they notice you were only 3 days old. And trust me, many people have approached me after church while I am visiting you saying they have said special prayers for us. It's very sweet. I promise when the weather is more tolerable, I will make sure you have real flowers all the time.

I need a special request from you..
Mommy's bestest friend Valorie's little boy Cyrus is going into the hospital tomorrow to get a cath in his heart. We are hoping and praying he doesn't need a replacement. I promised Valorie that I knew you would keep an extra special eye out for him and be his guardian angel. Can you do that for Mommy?

I love you Nolan, and that love grows stronger everyday. Which is why I seem to miss you more and more as the days pass. It's hard to think it's almost been 2 months, the time is flying. So keep an eye out for that special healthy little brother or sister for you and you can send him our way when it's time.

I love you so much baby, I just wish you were here, here in our arms. Give me the strength and peace to start accepting that I have to wait to once hold you again.

Your Mommy

I'm also adding an urgent prayer request for Stellen. His story can be read here
Prayers for Stellan


Lauren said...

I feel ya honey. It's like you put my feelings into words! Thinking of you today...

maria said...

I came across your blog sometime last week (I am not even sure how?) and I have been reading all your words since then. I started at the beginning and just could not stop reading. Everything you have been through is so heartbreaking... I can't even begin to fathom your pain. I know I'm a stranger, but I wanted you to know that your story, Nolan's story is impacting other people's lives everyday even if you don't know it. You are an incredible example of strength, hope and love. I hope you keep writing about Nolan... and I hope that life only holds happiness for you here on out.

Take care,
Maria (in OH)

Jesse and Monica said...

I came across your blog via months ago. You posts have brought me to tears many times. Your strength is amazing and you are a wonderful mother! You and Nolan are always in my thoughts and prayers!