Friday, July 17, 2009

Empty Milestones

Thanks to thebump.com email yesterday and to a pregnant friends FB status stating what week pregnant she is today, I just was re informed I would have been 32 weeks this week. No big deal right? I would have been 31 one last week so why does 32 bother me?

32 weeks was one of the Dr's goal weeks for me. She said, if we can just get you to 32 weeks and deliver, I would be happy. 32 weeks would be a good and safe week to deliver tiny Nolan. His small size suggested he would do better growing in the NICU than in my "poisoned body" after 32 weeks.

I wish more than anything, he still was in my body. I wish I was going to Dr appointments scheduling an induction right now. I wish I still felt his kicks. The worst feeling is the world is when for 1/100th of a second, I feel a "kick" and I get a relief feeling until 1/50th of a second later I realize it's not real and just my belly having bubbles or something. I hate it. It reminds me how I am not pregnant anymore.

I'm just missing Nolan so much right now. A lot of things are reminding me of him and reminding me how I am not pregnant anymore. August and September are going to be very hard months.August brings babies for all my pregnant friends and September brings my due date. The month I had spent to much time daydreaming about. The month that felt like it was 5 years away when we first found out I was pregnant. I wish I could just fast forward through them and move on. But I have to experience all these feelings and go through the motions to help heal. I HATE IT.

I'm just overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and REALITY with the situation in hands. I want my Nolan back here with me. I want to feel like the Mom I am suppose to be. I just want my son.

1 comment:

India said...

Ashley,
I read your posts on here and have been for about a month now. I can't imagine the pain and loneliness you feel but your words break my heart every time I read them.
I'm sure that right now there is very little for you to find comfort in, past friends and family. But this has been on my heart for weeks - please know that I think of you and Nolan every day. I often catch myself wondering how the day is going for you. I pray for you all the time - for your heart to heal, for rough days to pass quickly, and for people in your life to keep remembering the pain and loss you and your husband are going through.
I admire you for your incredible amount of strength and the mother you are to Nolan. Because you are his mother. The short time he had on earth was spent by a mother who adored him, who loved him with her whole heart, and who would have done anything for him. And you did everything humanly possible for him to live. No matter what, no one can ever change the fact that you were this little boy's only mom, and you were the best thing that could have ever happened to him the 3 days he was here on earth.
I pray you will find some peace in your heart - not to forget but to think of Nolan with a little less pain. Know that there are many people out here you may never know or meet whose life you have changed with your and Nolan's story.