Thanks to thebump.com email yesterday and to a pregnant friends FB status stating what week pregnant she is today, I just was re informed I would have been 32 weeks this week. No big deal right? I would have been 31 one last week so why does 32 bother me?
32 weeks was one of the Dr's goal weeks for me. She said, if we can just get you to 32 weeks and deliver, I would be happy. 32 weeks would be a good and safe week to deliver tiny Nolan. His small size suggested he would do better growing in the NICU than in my "poisoned body" after 32 weeks.
I wish more than anything, he still was in my body. I wish I was going to Dr appointments scheduling an induction right now. I wish I still felt his kicks. The worst feeling is the world is when for 1/100th of a second, I feel a "kick" and I get a relief feeling until 1/50th of a second later I realize it's not real and just my belly having bubbles or something. I hate it. It reminds me how I am not pregnant anymore.
I'm just missing Nolan so much right now. A lot of things are reminding me of him and reminding me how I am not pregnant anymore. August and September are going to be very hard months.August brings babies for all my pregnant friends and September brings my due date. The month I had spent to much time daydreaming about. The month that felt like it was 5 years away when we first found out I was pregnant. I wish I could just fast forward through them and move on. But I have to experience all these feelings and go through the motions to help heal. I HATE IT.
I'm just overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and REALITY with the situation in hands. I want my Nolan back here with me. I want to feel like the Mom I am suppose to be. I just want my son.