Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Tonight was Chris's first night back to work since my family had left to go back to Ohio. I'm currently scared to be all alone all night. It's not that I'm afraid of the Bogey Man coming to get me. I'm afraid of getting really down, depressed, upset, whatever and NOT having a shoulder to cry on and someone to hug.

So I started the night off by going to visit Nolan. It would be my first time going all alone so I had a few things I wanted to talk to him about. On the way there, I was discouraged by all the rain, but as soon as I pulled in, the rain stopped. I went to visit him, I had a very heartfelt talk with him. Told him how much I loved him, and how I wish he was here. But the main thing was I asked him to pass some strength down to me and that I really needed it lately because Mommy was loosing it. The sun came out of nowhere and shined down (no lie). I blew him a kiss and I left, I kid you started raining again 2 minutes later. It's like he knew I needed to come see him and stopped the rain.

I spent most the night at Val's and had a decent night. We worked on my wedding video she is putting together for me. We then took a drive up to work to get some stuff from another one of our friends because she had more videos from the cruise. I ended up going in to see everyone instead of Jen running the tapes out to us. I was brave and it was something I felt I needed to do, I didn't cry but it was so weird to be walking the halls I last remember being pregnant in. I was surprised with how well I did.

I ended up going to visit Chris at work during his dinner. I had anxiety about driving past the hospital that I had Nolan, but surprisingly...I forgot all about it by time I drove by. Amazing.

Nolan gave me strength tonight. So I wanted to write out a happy post so you guys can see, not EVERYDAY is bad, I just seem to write more when I am sad because it's therapy. So I want to write out a few things I am thankful for. I am going to try to do this once a week.

Things I am THANKFUL for
1. Chris with out my husband, I could not get through this entire ordeal. He was at EVERY SINGLE Drs appointment & ultrasound. Held my hand and gave me encouragement at some of the worst times we ever faced. His calming personality, calms me down more than you know. He is my rock, my bestest friend and honestly the best Dad ever. I love you Chris.

2. My Family with out my Mom, Dad, Sisters, Brother, Father in Law, Mother in Law, Sister in Law or Aunt & Grandpa. I have NO clue how we would have taken care of ourselves the past 3 weeks. We are so blessed to have the best family, we may be slightly dysfunctional at times, but I wouldn't ask for it to be any different. They were all here for us, that's what mattered.

3. My Health I am thankful that I checked my blood pressure that Sunday. I could have gotten WAY more sick than I already was. I am thankful that we were able to catch the sydrome when it first started. I COULD have been in ICU and never had the chance to meet my Nolan. I am SO SO SO SO thankful I was able to see him, touch him, and talk to him those 3 days instead of being stuck in an ICU and fighting for my life. Thank God I have wonderful Doctors that caught this syndrome early. I am very lucky I rebounded better than expected from the sickness and the c-section. I amazed my Dr by walking in my red heels at Nolan's memorial service, so I guess I am doing better than expected with healing.

So with that, I'm just waiting on Chris to get home in a few minutes with breakfast then off to bed. Today/tonight is a new day (I sleep during the day with Chris since we are both night shifters) and we shall see what it brings. Hopefully good before bad and I have Nolan looking over me and sending me his strength, I think it worked last night.


Nicole said...

Ashley, I am so happy to hear that you had a good night, and Dont worry they will be coming more frequent with time. It is good to hear that you have friends out there that you can rely on when Chris is working. Please know that all of your ND friends wish we could be there for you in person. We are always thinking about you guys. {{HUGS}}

Laura said...

Nolan is definately watching over you and sending all his love & strength! I'm glad that you had a nice evening. Surround yourself with family and friends who love and care about you...Nolan is right there too. ***HUGS***

Azull said...

Ashley, so good to hear that you got out and about. You are allowed to have good days and nights!
HUGS to you always.