Thursday, July 9, 2009

Teeter-Totter

Some days I feel like it can't get any worse and some days I feel like I'm doing "better". I hate this emotional teeter-totter. I miss the days when I was always happy, now I'm so sad and empty feeling. I was watching wedding videos tonight and it brings me back to a time I loved. I was so happy, carefree, and full of excitement. Our wedding cruise was one of the absolute best times of our lives, it was so much fun being with all our family and friends that week. I wish we could just go back and do it all over again, just to feel that overwhelming happiness.

Nolan should be at HP right now. He would be opening his eyes finally and kicking his legs in his isolette. I would be up there spending the night hanging out with him cheering him on vs sitting at my friends house reading grief/loss stuff. I miss my baby, I want to hold him in my arms and sing him a lullaby. I want to be a mommy and change diapers, and get spit on and feed my baby. I wish I was counting down the days to him leaving the NICU. But instead of all that, I am left to visiting my baby at a Memorial Garden. Nothing close to what I want.

I just feel robbed.
Why us? Why Nolan?

2 comments:

Katy said...

Hugs to you always. I love you....

JenJen said...

I came across your blog address on your post on the 2nd and 3rd trimester loss board.

I know its hard to not question why we had to lose our babies, and as much as we don't want this to happen to other people, you just don't want it to be your family and your baby that has to go through this...We all think back to the happier times when we felt truly happy and there really isn't a way to get back to where you were.

I'm almost a year out from losing my precious daughter, Lily at 23 weeks and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what could have been. The pain does get easier and you will get to where you don't cry everyday. It just takes time.

((Hugs)) and feel free to visit my blog for my daughter whenever you feel comfortable.