Well I guess it's the overwhelming amounts of stress, panic and lack of sleep causing them. I got a suggestion from therapy that exercise will help relieve them even if it's just 30 minutes a day. So tonight we tried it and took a long walk in the nasty humid Florida weather. It helped a little, but as soon as we got back, it found it's way back to my head.
I guess I consume so much time into thinking about "stuff" and NO I can not help it. It's part of grieving I guess and I just have to go through the motions. I'm not only grieving loosing our son, I'm grieving a empty stomach since he came 14 weeks early but I am grieving the future we never had with him. I don't have much of a past with him to help me grieve like you would with a older family member or good friend. My memories of Nolan are a few and short because of his 3 short days. But those memories are engraved in my head and never leaving, and I will NEVER forget his fight.
So this is the stuff that goes through my head, every hour...every day.
- Nolan not being here
- REALITY vs Shock of not having Nolan anymore
- Remembering my favorite 3 days
- HELLP Syndrome
- Causes on why this happened
- Nolan again
- Will I ever be a Mom?
- Pregnant friends
- How this has affected everyone
- Missing Nolan
- Fear of my job dealing with Death
- Avoiding triggers
- Will therapy really help?
- Wishing I could rewind back to June 8th
- Replaying everything in my head
- Worried about never feeling semi normal
- Will people forget I had a son?
- Will people be afraid to talk to me?
- How HELLP syndrome and Pre-e SUCK
- What caused Nolan's IUGR?
- Hospital Bills
- How will I get through Aug and Sept?
- Wonders if I did anything wrong (even though I know in my heart I didn't) BUT, when you have friends tell you that I shouldn't be doing this, and shouldn't be doing that during my entire pregnancy...YES, it goes through my head
- What color where Nolan's eyes?
- Will people understand if I am not myself even 2 months later? 3 months later?
- Wondering what Nolan would have looked like
- Who will hang out with me when Chris works
- WHY NOLAN?
- Again, will I ever be a Mom? or will this happen every time... My biggest fear in life has always been not being a Mom. Am I on that path?
So I guess all of THAT causes my headaches. I think about all those things constantly through out the day...kind of like I'm stuck on a merry-go-round. I know, there's a lot but I'm being honest...these are the things I think about day in and day out one month into this new journey. Time will help, but right now...it's too new to me still. Maybe not to you, but that's okay, I was his Mom, I will feel this more than you. It sucks.
I just miss Nolan. I want my Nolan back.
A million times I've needed you
a million times I've cried
if love could have save you
you never would have died
things we feel most deeply
are the hardest things to say
my dearest one, I love you
in a very special way
if I could have one lifetime wish
one dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.