Monday, July 13, 2009


It's a new thing I am experiencing. At first I was pretty worried about them and almost called my OB to ask if I should be concerned. But when I have checked blood pressures have been "normal" and they seem to go away when I am distracted with stuff like golfing or shopping ect. I mean I have tried everything to get rid of them, nothing really helps.

Well I guess it's the overwhelming amounts of stress, panic and lack of sleep causing them. I got a suggestion from therapy that exercise will help relieve them even if it's just 30 minutes a day. So tonight we tried it and took a long walk in the nasty humid Florida weather. It helped a little, but as soon as we got back, it found it's way back to my head.

I guess I consume so much time into thinking about "stuff" and NO I can not help it. It's part of grieving I guess and I just have to go through the motions. I'm not only grieving loosing our son, I'm grieving a empty stomach since he came 14 weeks early but I am grieving the future we never had with him. I don't have much of a past with him to help me grieve like you would with a older family member or good friend. My memories of Nolan are a few and short because of his 3 short days. But those memories are engraved in my head and never leaving, and I will NEVER forget his fight.

So this is the stuff that goes through my head, every hour...every day.
  • Nolan
  • Nolan not being here
  • REALITY vs Shock of not having Nolan anymore
  • Remembering my favorite 3 days
  • HELLP Syndrome
  • Causes on why this happened
  • Nolan again
  • Will I ever be a Mom?
  • Pregnant friends
  • How this has affected everyone
  • Missing Nolan
  • Preeclampsia
  • Death
  • Fear of my job dealing with Death
  • Avoiding triggers
  • Will therapy really help?
  • Wishing I could rewind back to June 8th
  • Replaying everything in my head
  • Worried about never feeling semi normal
  • grief
  • Will people forget I had a son?
  • Will people be afraid to talk to me?
  • How HELLP syndrome and Pre-e SUCK
  • What caused Nolan's IUGR?
  • Hospital Bills
  • How will I get through Aug and Sept?
  • Wonders if I did anything wrong (even though I know in my heart I didn't) BUT, when you have friends tell you that I shouldn't be doing this, and shouldn't be doing that during my entire pregnancy...YES, it goes through my head
  • What color where Nolan's eyes?
  • Will people understand if I am not myself even 2 months later? 3 months later?
  • Wondering what Nolan would have looked like
  • Who will hang out with me when Chris works
  • Again, will I ever be a Mom? or will this happen every time... My biggest fear in life has always been not being a Mom. Am I on that path?

So I guess all of THAT causes my headaches. I think about all those things constantly through out the day...kind of like I'm stuck on a merry-go-round. I know, there's a lot but I'm being honest...these are the things I think about day in and day out one month into this new journey. Time will help, but right's too new to me still. Maybe not to you, but that's okay, I was his Mom, I will feel this more than you. It sucks.

I just miss Nolan. I want my Nolan back.

A million times I've needed you
a million times I've cried
if love could have save you
you never would have died
things we feel most deeply
are the hardest things to say
my dearest one, I love you
in a very special way
if I could have one lifetime wish
one dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.


Katy said...

Ashley, you're such an amazing woman. I can see how you'd have every single one of these thoughts going through your head at any given moment. And let me reassure you of a few things.

None of us will EVER forget that you have a son. You and your family have touched us all in so many ways, it'll be impossible to forget him.

And we will all be here for you when Chris isn't around. Family, friends, we're ALL here. Anytime you need any of us, we're happy to help. I know I'm speaking for everyone when I say that, but, I know everyone agrees with me. We're an IM, an e-mail, a phone call...away.

The medical answers, none of us will ever know those answers...but as far as a support have that ALL of the time. I promise.

Kaitlyn said...

What Makes A Mother? I thought of you all, I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say, A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? 'Yes you can!' He replied with confidence in His voice, 'I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.' Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I don't understand this, God, I want my baby here. He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. 'I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, 'We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lesson very quick. My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.'So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feelings in your heart. It's the love you have so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done, they'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one.' written with love for all Mother's missing their baby

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know that I can't!! Hang in there & try to keep your chin up!

Fanny said...

I know today the pain is so overwhelming you can't see it yet, but I just know good things will come from this.
One day, your thoughts will be about the positive in those 3 days you got with Nolan. Holding him. Him saving you. Chris and you discovering yourselves to be such incredible parents, with a strong connected loving marriage. Nolan's brothers and sisters. The big family you always wanted.
I just know one day this will all be yours.
You are a good person, and don't have to worry about people understanding. Just worry about healing. I know it will take time. just live life in small increments. Instead of thinking about August/September and what could have been, embrace all you have now, and live it day by day.
It will get easier. Nolan will make sure of it.