Monday, June 29, 2009

Dear Nolan

Dear Nolan,

3 weeks ago today, you made your appearance. Mommy was so scared and afraid but you amazed us all with your energy and fight. I wish you were still here Nolan, I miss you more than anyone in this entire world. I find it hard getting through my days because all I think about is you and how perfect you looked and acted. I know you are happy up in heaven and I will see you and hold you once again one day. But right now, my arms are empty and my heart is heavy with out you. We have gone to visit you at the garden every single day. I make sure your flowers still look pretty and we put a Bert & Ernie Police Car there, it was only appropriate since your Daddy is a police man. It's just not the same
visiting you there, we should be going to HP NICU to see you
I'm still working on your old room to make it a memory room for us. I still have to iron your curtains and hang them. Plus we have a bit of clutter stashed in there from when the entire family was here- so I need to clean that out. Your Nana and Grandpa finished the paint and it looks so perfect. We kept the dark blue and plan on buying a big chair to put in there for Mommy to hang out on. We set up your sailboat lamp Daddy bought weeks ago and it makes the room perfect and my favorite picture of you next to it. Only thing missing is the big nautical chart that is being framed right now. We added a small plaque at the bottom that says "In memory of our Ruby Baby, Nolan Michael" You will always be my nautical baby. You were the perfect token from our wedding cruise. I wish I could be adding your crib and dresser and all the other baby things we had picked out. That's what we should be doing, but this is the alternative and we have to accept it. I still have to attempt to do the closet, this will be very hard emotionally. I had bought a bunch of things for you that I need to pack away in a tote and put somewhere special. My favorite outfit I bought for you was a onsie that said "Mommy's Little Anchor" and it was stripped with and anchor on it. Daddy hated that outfit when I bought it but I didn't care, it was so fitting. We had so many sailboat and tugboat outfits we bought you, it's going to be hard packing them all away, we should be hanging them all up preparing for your arrival.

I love you Nolan, and I will NEVER forget about you. I carried you for 6 months, felt you kicking everyday, and saw you first hand as a true miracle kicking around in your isolette. You had so much energy, you probably got it from me, I do have ADD. As time gets further since the last time I saw you, it seems to get worse. People keep telling me time heals, but I don't feel it. I know you are watching over your Mommy & Daddy and that's very sweet of you, but I would rather be selfish and have you here. Daddy has been real good at taking care of me, he reminds me to get up and do things because you never got to. Even if its going for a walk outside, he reminds me to do it for you, you never got to.

Nolan, give me some strength. You gave me so much when you were in my belly. I had a huge reason to fight, have hope and not give up. But now that your gone, I'm loosing those qualities. I want to enjoy life again, and do it on your behalf like you would want me to. But it so hard when my heart is so broken without you. I pray to you every night, sleep with your blanket that Aunt Cathy bought for you and dream about you. You are always in my heart munchkin, love you.

Love,
Mommy

3 comments:

Morgan said...

Your letters are so touching Ash. I wish there was something I could do. :(

Nicole said...

Ashley, that letter was beautiful. Please let us know if there is anything that we can do to help. You and Chris are always in my thoughts and prayers and I think about your guys everyday. {{{Major Hugs}}}

tiara said...

we will never forget him ash, and you are all in my thoughts everyday. i hope you find some comfort.