Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to Chris, My Dad, Senior and Grandpa. I wish we could celebrate this day under better terms, but what we have to remember is Chris IS still a Father to our little fighter. We started out the morning by going to church and visiting our Nolan. We went shopping for a few odds and ends to fix up Nolan's spot later for later on tonight. He deserves only the best. We woke up this morning thinking we should be able to go visit Nolan in the NICU but you get reminded every morning, he's not there anymore. Instead, we have to go to a memorial garden to see him. I pray every night before I go to bed that when I wake up, the nightmare will be over. But it's been over a week and I think I am coming to terms that's not going to happen. I hate mornings.

Last night was bittersweet. My brother Charlie graduated from college with the same degree I did in Respiratory Care from the same program. It's the whole reason my family was originally flying down here in the first place. It was to celebrate Charlie's accomplishment, he also gave the class speech and mentioned our little fighter in it, which made me cry. He also won an award and I am so proud of him. And he's even one of the ones in his c
lass to already have a full time job lined up. Congrats to you Charlie.

But last night was also my goal night I made for Nolan. Doctor's kept telling me that they thought Nolan was coming in 5-10 days. I kept telling them, "NO! He will come after my brother's graduation, so 14 days!" My one Doctor said he hoped he was wrong and I was right. I kept making 2 week goals for Nolan to stay in my belly. And Charlies graduation was the next goal because I would have been 28 weeks and Nolan would have been a little bigger and a little stronger. But instead, Chris and I went to visit him at his grave before the graduation. I NEVER would have thought that would be the case, he was suppose to still be in my belly for last nights graduation.

Last night also hurt because I always joked around with the other teacher I taught with who is also pregnant, saying we would be the 2 knocked up teachers at this years gradua
tion. We were planning on taking our big ole belly pictures with our students. So it was real hard emotionally to realize I'm not in that spot anymore. I found it very hard to be in a huge group of people who all know what happened but are afraid to approach me in fears of not knowing what to say. I understand their feelings but it made me realize I'm nowhere ready to go back to work. It's just too fresh. I want nothing more than for Nolan to still be kicking around in my stomach. I wish my body never gave up. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up over it, but how can I not? My internal incubator gave up on Nolan. I know for a fact Nolan would have stayed put to grow in there longer if my body let him.

I'm looking forward to going to meet with my favorite Doctor this week to maybe look at some possibilities on why this happened and the odds of it happening again. We're also looking forward to meeting with a new specialist to look into some further testing so maybe we can figure out why my body did this. Nothing else matters in this world to Chris and I than to be
parents. We can't wait until Nolan can have a sibling, it's very very important to us, but we have to find out if we can help prevent this from happening again.

So Happy Father's Day to all Fathers out there. Go give your little ones extra hugs and kisses for Chris's sake. Because I know he wants more than anything in this world right now is to do that very same thing. We should be hanging out in the NICU today, not a memorial garden.
I love you Chris and Happy First Father's Day. You were the best Daddy in the entire world and I fell in love with you all over again when I saw you look at Nolan the very first time.


Laura said...

such a sweet post to Chris...I pray that you both find comfort in one another. ***HUGS***

Kimberly said...

I can't imagine what you must go through every morning when you wake up. You are such a strong couple. I truly hope you get some good answers at the specialist. Happy Father's Day Chris!

Morgan said...

Happy Fathers Day Chris!

tiara said...

I know Ash, I know we had talked about how big we'd be at graduation and last night I really didn't know what to say. When I went over to see you guys you had all ready left, I did see senior though. You and Chris are both amazing. Coming back to work will probably not be easy, just know that we all love you and will try to make it as normal as it can possibly be.

Nicole said...

Sending {{{HUGS}}} to both you and Chris. Happy Father's Day Chris!!!

cmatsukes said...

That was such a special post for chris and you to vent you need to let it out. I know in the future you will have another little one just remember nolans spirit will be there you will have joy again.