Friday, June 26, 2009


I'm not really sure what to write... I'm hoping something comes to the keyboard to make me feel better.

I miss my old life, happy go lucky me, excited about being a mommy. No worries, and a heart full of hope that my lil munchkin would keep fighting until he's just big enough to make his arrival. I miss wearing my cute maternity clothes and watching my growing belly.

I hate this new life so far of grief, shock and hopelessness. I HATE feeling negative, absolutely hate it. But I can't stop thinking about why Nolan? Why can't we be the parents we wanted & planned to be? Why am I walking this path of loss? Why do I have to be surrounded by pregnant happy women everywhere we go, friends, strangers and the lady sitting next to me at the Dr's office looking at her ultrasound pictures. I am so happy they are having good news, but why couldn't we have the same? I don't want to feel this's not fair to others around me.

Today we tried to go to the social security office which we were instructed to do while we were in the hospital. The NICU case worker came and talked to us to inform us since Nolan was under a certain weight, SS office has a program of some sort that helps with NICU costs. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but we went to the appointment that she set up for us today to start the process. We left empty handed because they said they can't help us now that Nolan isn't here anymore. Now we have to go in this backwards way with Medicaide or something like that. Who knows, I'm too confused by it all. I just left in tears and heartache.

I would just do anything to rewind my past 3 weeks to have that feeling of hope back and the feeling of excitement that we will be parents. I would still be thinking about what crib we were picking out and thinking about all the classes we had to schedule to prepare us to be parents. I would still count down the days to every upcoming ultrasound(even though they were every other day it seemed). We would be decorating the nursery while my family was here and buying furniture. But instead we're in a whole new journey now. I hate EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT.

Here's the poem I read at the service and it pretty much sums up how we feel.

God, Take This Child....
By Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)

God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.


cmatsukes said...

That was oh I started crying you are amazing the way you write this is truly coming from a heart that is broken, But time will heal it and soon you will feel better it is going to take time. You have a heart full of love that Nolan left you to give to his sis or brother.

Kimberly said...

Such a fitting poem. Unfortunately the only thing that can begin to mend your heart is time. (((hugs)))

Fanny said...

My heart aches for you every time you have a day like this.
I know you must have heard it a million times, but let me say it once more. You are very strong. It is natural to doubt it when things get hard, but keep believing, happy Ashley is somewhere in there. The loss is overwhelming to us all. The word to describe what you must be going through has not yet been invented - and I hope it never has to be.
The important thing is that you do keep remembering and thinking of him. Not having him to hold is devastating, but I just know he's holding you, from up above. He is giving you all this strength. This is what he came here to do. He is doing such a great job at keeping you strong, alive, and healing.
I send you more hugs, and hope your heart will heal as quick as your body does.

chickymel said...

Fanny said it the best. Sending you more love and hugs. You ARE strong. Time will help, and just remember that Nolan is right beside you always.

Nicole said...

Ashley, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know it doesn't seem fair to be experiencing this pain, but like Kim said the only thing that is going to help is time. Always remember that Nolan is looking down on you guys everyday. Sending lots of love, prayers and hugs your way.