I wish I would write in the blog on my better days, so you don't have to read so many depressing posts. But honestly it's usually how I feel, so it's what you read for the time being.
I'm not really sure if I can type my feelings today, but figured I would give it a shot.
I feel empty, I feel all the weight I should be feeling in my arms (All 130z of Nolan) has gone to my heart. I am heart broken, and not the same heart broken you feel after breaking up. It's a heartbroken in it's own definition; indescribable.
((EDIT: I was able to post the video))
I want to be happy and excited again. I look back on our wedding videos and all I can do is smile and laugh my butt off because we are so happy and care free. I wish I could post the video here of Chris and I dancing to "Ice Ice Baby" on our wedding night because it's priceless. It shows the real me and how happy I was. I would love to feel that feeling again right now.
And I want to feel that excited feeling I felt on Dec 30th when I took that first pregnancy test. I can't even tell you how, excited, thankful and hopeful we were. We couldn't believe it, we we're finally going to be parents. It had been a long year of waiting, and we were so shocked it happened right away, but we couldn't have been happier.
Those 2 feelings combined were the absolute best. I look forward to the day I can feel those again. But I have so much anxiety that I won't. I'm terrified this will happen to us again. Nolan leaving us has put me on a new journey that NO ONE can understand unless they have unfortunately lived it. I want to get better, I want to feel better and gosh darnit I want to smile all the time again. But currently, the only thing that can remotely make me smile is thinking of Nolan when he was here and thinking of the past when I was carefree. The future scares me.
I've always been a positive person, but this past 3 weeks have sucked all that out of me. I never once gave up hope on Nolan, so how can I give up my strength now? Well he's not here, it's 1 million times easier. He's suppose to be here, in my belly, kicking and rolling and making me fat. So I hope people understand when I'm having bad days, or if I am having a good one, it doesn't mean I am "better" Nolan will be my main thought for the next few months, no doubt. Aug and Sept will be my hard months. I'm not looking forward to it. I need distractions, I need a lot of them.
I guess I'm just scared people will forget about Nolan. I already feel like some people don't recognize how real he was. He was perfect in every sence just a tad too tiny, and I wish I knew why God chose him. I wish everyone could have met him to see what a miracle he truely was. He moved, he sucked on his thumb and he fought like a warrior. He's my little boy and always will be.