Sunday, June 28, 2009


I wish I would write in the blog on my better days, so you don't have to read so many depressing posts. But honestly it's usually how I feel, so it's what you read for the time being.

I'm not really sure if I can type my feelings today, but figured I would give it a shot.

I feel empty, I feel all the weight I should be feeling in my arms (All 130z of Nolan) has gone to my heart. I am heart broken, and not the same heart broken you feel after breaking up. It's a heartbroken in it's own definition; indescribable.

I want to be happy and excited again. I look back on our wedding videos and all I can do is smile and laugh my butt off because we are so happy and care free. I wish I could post the video here of Chris and I dancing to "Ice Ice Baby" on our wedding night because it's priceless. It shows the real me and how happy I was. I would love to feel that feeling again right now.

((EDIT: I was able to post the video))

And I want to feel that excited feeling I felt on Dec 30
th when I took that first pregnancy test. I can't even tell you how, excited, thankful and hopeful we were. We couldn't believe it, we we're finally going to be parents. It had been a long year of waiting, and we were so shocked it happened right away, but we couldn't have been happier.

Those 2 feelings combined were the absolute best. I look forward to the day I can feel those again. But I have so much anxiety that I won't. I'm terrified this will happen to us again. Nolan leaving us has put me on a new journey that NO ONE can understand unless they have
unfortunately lived it. I want to get better, I want to feel better and gosh darnit I want to smile all the time again. But currently, the only thing that can remotely make me smile is thinking of Nolan when he was here and thinking of the past when I was carefree. The future scares me.

I've always been a positive person, but this past 3 weeks have sucked all that out of me. I never once gave up hope on Nolan, so how can I give up my strength now? Well he's not here, it's 1 million times easier. He's suppose to be
here, in my belly, kicking and rolling and making me fat. So I hope people understand when I'm having bad days, or if I am having a good one, it doesn't mean I am "better" Nolan will be my main thought for the next few months, no doubt. Aug and Sept will be my hard months. I'm not looking forward to it. I need distractions, I need a lot of them.

I guess I'm just scared people will forget about Nolan. I already feel like some people don't recognize how real he was. He was perfect in every sence just a tad too tiny, and I wish I knew why God chose him. I wish everyone could have met him to see what a miracle he truely was. He moved, he sucked on his thumb and he fought like a warrior. He's my little boy and always will be.


cathy said...

For being wordless.. you used a lot of words that help me understand how you are feeling. I think you are right, no one can know or understand how you are feeling unless they have gone through it. I feel like I can't help because I can't fathom how you are feeling.. so when I ask you what you need or what can I do to help.. it's because the things I think of to help are only things that I would want... but I do NOT know how you are feeling, so I feel like I don't know what you might need.

I will NEVER forget Nolan.. he is the biggest little miracle I have EVER witnessed, and just amazing in every way. I know you have anxiety about the future.. but when I look at your future.. I see a lot of light, and I hope you will too. In the meanwhile.. you keep writing these "wordless" and "depressing" posts, because it helps.. and even though Nolan isn't here physically anymore.. your words bring him to life again and again Ash. Love you!

Erin said...

My heart absolutely breaks for you. No one should have to lose their baby, a baby they longed for so deeply. I can only imagine what you are going through right now.

But someday it WILL be better, and you will be happy again and have your kids surrounding you. Nolan will always be such an important part of your life and your history, but the pain will not always be as sharp as it is now. I know that isn't much, but it is something. This is the darkest time. You will get through it.

You and your husband are really in my prayers.

Krystle said...

I don't even know you in real life, and I promise you that I will NEVER forget your story or little Nolan. Anyone who expects you to be happy and normal now is just being irrational. No one is ever 100% normal after a child dies, no matter how long that child lived for. It is always a tragedy and no one will understand it completely unless they have lived in your shoes. I think you are doing very well for the time frame and what you went through emotionally & physically. I think I would have to be on hard core psycho drugs and withdraw from the world. You are very strong, even if you don't feel/know it daily.

Kimberly said...

We will never forget Nolan, he will always have a special place anchored in our hearts. Keep writing Ashley, no one is expecting you to feel better overnight and if writing about the pain helps you then by all means do it. Thanks for sharing your wedding video! You guys will be that happy-go-lucky couple again, it will just take time. (((hugs)))

Wendy said...

Ashley, you don't have to be happy and carefree all the time...or at all...right now. It's not possible and nobody expects it of you. You and Chris will grieve how you need to grieve and nobody can fault you for that or tell you what you should be doing. This is still a fresh and open wound. You will feel happy again & it won't mean that you don't love him and miss him with all your heart. & I promise, Nolan will not be forgotten.

SgtEriksWife said...

Ashley... a blog is about you... your thoughts, your feelings, your ups and your downs. Don't ever apologize for sharing that. Nolan has changed so many. Please don't ever think he will be forgotten. Hugs... and please let me know if you need anything.