Thursday, June 25, 2009

Heartbroken

Today is just one of those days I feel heartbroken, very empty. That strength everyone sees in me feels non existent right now. (I know this sounds repetitive) Everyday is different, shoot every hour is different. I look forward to the day I can look back and feel better about all this. But right now, I don't see that happening in the future for awhile. I need distractions (and not work..that's the last place I can be right now) to keep me going, weekly vacations...I wish!

I wish I was in Chicago right now like we had planned months & months ago for my cousins wedding, I was suppose to be a bridesmaid. It would mean that Nolan was still healthy and my Dr was letting me go because there was no worries. Then I really wasn't going due to bed rest, but now I'm not going because Nolan isn't even here and I'm just not ready for huge social gatherings. NEVER EVER thought this would be the case. I wish I was just in Chicago because it would mean my little man was healthy.

I'm just terrified of all this happening again to us. I always said my biggest fear is never having kids, so I guess that's going haunt me for the time being. Never thought we would be in this situation. I have 110% trust in my OB's that they will do everything in their power to help prevent this from happening again but in the end, they don't get the final say so. God does. I have to remind myself, at least we CAN get pregnant, that's a huge positive.

Just a rough boring day to think about all negative and positive things. I wasn't going to post anything but decided to in hopes I will feel a tad bit better.
Well, I just realized, 2 weeks ago today Nolan went to heaven, maybe that's why I feel so empty today. Makes some sense huh? I feel like these past 2 weeks have been years but it's obviously why happy, go lucky, hyper Ashley you all know is still "missing". I miss that part of me. It's only been 2 weeks, it's not like I will heal overnight.

Tomorrow we have to go to the Social Security office to deal with NICU SSI he was entitled to help pay some bills. So tomorrow will be a bit rough.

I know you all you guys have sent so many prayers our way already, but maybe a few extra prayers for home hope in the future would help. I can't dwell on the past but need to start having new hope for what the future has to bring us.

Off to go visit Nolan with my Mom and then dragging myself over to
Valorie's house with my Mom to watch some cruise videos from the wedding cruise. That will make me smile, even if it's for a little bit.

4 comments:

Tracy said...

::::HUGS::::

SgtEriksWife said...

Ashley... never hesitate to pick up the phone. You KNOW I'm here for you. I just wish I could be THERE.

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

I know that I don't know you but I wish I could just wrap my arms around you & give you a big hug....as always yur family is in my thoughts & prayers.

cmatsukes said...

I can understand why you are not going to the wedding. I would not feel up to that either. I know you want a baby of your own but at one time Mike and I were looking into adoption because we did not want our baby having elhers so we were thinking about that at one time. So I know you will try again I am sure but if for some reason you can't babies are waiting out there John my husband is adopted and he was since 9 months he had a great life with his parents so just a thought You and Chris have so much love to give to a child the child would be luckey to have you.