Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hope

I feel so incredibly empty, it's been a rough morning. I wanted nothing more in this world than to be a mom, it's what I have always wanted and longed for. Chris and I have been talking about being parents the entire past year. And if you knew me, you would know that was our plan. Ever since we were engaged we couldn't wait to get married and start a family. It was part of our master plan, have children right away, enjoy them in our younger years and when they all go to college we would travel all over. We had so many plans for Nolan, family vacations, preschool, family parties, ect. I could go on forever with our our plans for our little man. We were so blessed to get pregnant right away and lucky that we can get pregnant, but I never ever ever expected for us to be going down this path. I mean nobody ever expects to go down this path, it's everyone's worst nightmare and no one ever expects it to happen to them. I know this, because I was one of those people. I currently feel like I am stuck in a nightmare that stalled and I can't wake up.

I want nothing more to go back to Dr appointments and see him on ultrasounds, or to hear his heartbeat on the doppler, or dream about the day he would arrive. But instead it all happened backwards. I wish he was still in my belly growing and waiting to make his arrival. Instead I got really sick and he couldn't thrive inside me anymore and I was on my way to being dealthy sick. I trusted in God to take
care of him and I will say again, I am VERY thankful to at least have gotten 3 precious days to be his mommy. But I can't help but be upset he's not here anymore.

I feel robbed of this pregnancy, I never really felt like a normal happy pregnant mom. This pregnancy was full of worry and anxiety. We never got the happy baby shower everyone else gets, never were able to do his nursery or pack a normal hospital bag for the day he arrives. I know these are all silly things but they are things I would have taken for granted if I never gone through this. I would do ANYTHING to be woken up at 2am to feed him and change his diaper. ANYTHING.Now the nursery we started is going back to an office and my Mom & Dad are going to repaint the beautiful blue we had started for his nautical nursery. He is our one and only nautical baby. It will
never be the same for another child. On the other hand I am glad we never finished the nursery or bought all his furniture, we were so close. But I think it would make this even harder if I had to come home to that.

I know I am a mommy and will always be a mother to Nolan, but it's so hard to actually feel like a mom right now. I really felt it for the five best minutes in my life when I was able to change his one and only diaper. It's something I am really struggling with. I just want my Nolan back, I know you guys are sick of hearing it but it's the god honest truth. I know he is in a better place and I have to remember that he isn't suffering anymore, but it is so hard to comprehend right
now.

Hope got me through these past 2 months. I have to remember to keep the hope in the coming months that one day I will be a mommy again. Nolan will one day be an older brother. It all comes in hope. Honestly that is what's helping me get through this sad time, is one day we will be parents again to Nolan's baby brother or sister.
I am just so terrified my body will fail again in the future and we will never be parents, it's another nightmare I keep having. I just have to keep the hope and pray everyday that someting good will all come out of this. Something ironic I found out today.....

“Hope is symbolized in Christian iconography by an anchor. And what does an anchor do? It keeps the ship on course when wind and waves rage against it.
But the anchor of hope is sunk in heaven, not on earth.”
~~Gregory Floyd, A Grief Unveiled
Thanks to one of my best friends, Ashley (AshNicole331) for making Nolan's symbol.
One thing that we have learned through this past week and we have seen so much good in people. From the church to the guy at the jewelry store that engraved Nolan's keepsake neckalce. There are so many loving people.

THANK YOU to those of you that have already sent in checks to our church in Nolans Name to his Guardian Angel Fund. It means SO much to us.
I want to say THANK YOU to everyone that has helped feed our family this week. Thank you to my co workers for bringing over wonderful sandwiches and homemade side dishes, it was so yummy! Thank You to all of Nolan's Nestie Aunties that have been SO supportive. I can't thank you girls enough, you are all a god send. We just had Bostom Market deliver a HUGE dinner for tonight from you ladies. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

13 comments:

Morgan said...

Glad you liked the food! yummy yummy

Keep pouring your heart out, babe, we'll never get sick of hearing it. We don't always know what to say but we'll never top listening

Katy said...

I found that quote fo ryou when I was looking for necklaces and never sent it. I think it's great. So fitting.

Glad you liked the food....anything we can do to help, you know we will.

Love and hugs to you. Like Morgan said, we may not always not what to say, but we'll always be here for you.

Kimberly said...

You are all in our thoughts and prayers constantly. You have been so strong, poor your heart out whenever you need to.

Jaye said...

Ashley, know that we will never, never, never ever get sick of hearing you talk about Nolan. Don't even think that for a second! We want to hear how you are doing and all the stories you have of him.

And I'm glad you liked the food! Remember to take care of yourself, too!

Future Sgts Wife said...

Ashley -- we're here for you whenever you need to lean on us... and we certainly will never get sick of hearing about our precious nestie nephew Nolan!! Glad the food helps. Cooking shouldn't be a concern of yours right now. I so wish we were able to fly down for Nolan's service on Friday. You're in our hearts and prayers always.
Love Lisa & Erik

Jen J. said...

We are not sick of hearing about your loss...it was a very traumatic and heart breaking ordeal that you went through & your strength gives each one of us strength. You & your family will remain in my thoughts & prayers.

tiara said...

i'm with everybody who is saying that we will not get sick of hearing this. it was not fair how soon life ended for nolan. it is not fair to you and chris who deserved to be able to be his parents for years to come. i wish i knew something to say to comfort you but i know there's nothing i can say. you WILL get to be parents one day, i know it in my heart.

Christy said...

((Hugs))
Keep talking..it helps a little and we're all here to listen.

cmatsukes said...

I dont know who nesties are but they are wonderful people. Ashley one day you will be a mommy again to a another special baby boy or girl he or she will have the spirit of Nolan there always he will be there big brother watching over them for enternity. And keep writing on here we are all listening it always helps me to write what I am feeling or thinking or just saying it. You can say you miss Nolan over and over again because I think when you are old and gray you will still remember Nolan and miss him but you will have had alot kids to fill your heart and you will remember your 3 special days you had with Nolan and not any of the hurt.

Eleise said...

I agree with the other girls---we will never tire of hearing about Nolan. Whether it be good memories or sad memories, we'll all be here for you no matter what. Sending lots of love your way!

Jaymee said...

http://buildingheavenlybridges.blogspot.com/

Baby K said...

Honey,

Keep talking and we will always keep listening..we are here for you. I'm pleased the food went down well.
Sending you lots of love and hugs from London.

Kiki / Kirsten

mikeandmonica said...

I saw your anchor in the sig of another nestie on my local board and I had to come check out the blog. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers (even though you don't know me)