Thursday, June 18, 2009

One week

One week since we said goodbye to our precious Nolan. One week since I was discharged from room 2211. One week since we came home and and started this thing they call grieving. And I hate it! And I have to say, today flat out plain just sucks. I've been strong so they say, I hear it everyday from family, friends and readers. But I sure haven't felt strong, especially today. So where is this so called strength, because I can't find it today.
I miss you Nolan, I want nothing more than for you to be here with us right now. I wish I could feel you kick those huge feet against the palms of my hand again or have you grasp on to the tip of my finger and hold on. I wish I could stare at you through the glass isolette and just be amazed at how you were there in front of us, a perfect product between your Daddy and I. I want to see you kick and move all over the place trying to get comfortable just like I do in bed. I just miss you so much Nolan. You were perfect in every way and I was longing for the day you would be well enough to be one of those mothers down in the drive up buckling you into the car for the first time and packing all your flowers and balloons into the trunk of the car. I couldn't wait to show you your perfect nursery all decked out in anchors and sailboats. But instead we are picking you up at a funeral home, bringing you home for one night before we place you in your final resting spot tomorrow. I really think you will like it Nolan, we picked a very special place. This special place will take care of you and we promise to come visit you all the time. Your service is going to be absolutely beautiful tomorrow, a lot of mommy and daddys family and friends are coming tomorrow to support us and say good bye to you Nolan. You have no idea how much you are loved, NO IDEA. Every single person that got a chance to meet you in the NICU left there and were so completely amazed by you, your daddy loved showing you off to everyone. Your Daddy was the best Daddy Nolan, and I feel in love with him all over again just watching him look at you and talk to you and blow you kisses goodnight when we would leave you to sleep in the NICU. He was so proud of his little fighter and so am I. I know I am being selfish when I say I wish you could have stayed with us, but I understand you were very sick and couldn't fight any longer. I'm sorry my body got so sick and we had to take you out- I know you weren't ready and were still growing in there, but Mommy had no other choice. I know if that wasn't the case, you would have listened to me and continued to grow and you would have waited just a little longer to make your appearance. I understand.
I hope one day we can give you a little brother or sister. I can't wait to explain to them what a special big brother they had. I can't wait till they can understand how brave you were and how much you fought. I know you didn't want to give up, but its is humbling to know you are not suffering anymore and and that you are in good hands and being taken care of up there in Heaven.

We love you Nolan. Tomorrow will be a day full of good and sad emotions. I need your strength little guy to get me through this. Look over us tomorrow.

I love you so much, and you will NEVER EVER be forgotten. You have touched so may lives little one. It just amazes me that so many people say your story has changed their lives and the way they look at things. You sure did have a mission on this earth and you didn't even know it.

Love you always and forever,
Your MommyMommy holding you for the first time. It's the same way I held you as they fought to keep you alive and I said goodbye to you later that very same night.

12 comments:

Judy said...

Ashley, what the heartfelt emotions you've just expressed and put into words are just beautiful. I know you and your husband are hurting, I know it's hard to understand, but you are so brave and courageous to be sharing this horribly difficult time with so many blog lurkers...I will keep you,Chris and Nolan in my thoughts and prayers.
As someone who just happened to come across your blog not too long ago, I extend my deepest sympathy and a huge cyberhug.
Nolan was obviously a fighter and will no doubt now be your guardian angel. God Bless.

Kimberly said...

Ashley, such a beautiful post. You are very strong, it must take so much courage to even get those words out. We will be thinking and praying extra hard for you tomorrow. I know Nolan's memorial will be beautiful. (((hugs)))

EILEEN said...

Ashley and Chris...Even though you may never understand why this all happened,I think God and Nolan will help you get through this ..Remember there is no time frame for grieving and you have so much support with friends and family that anytime you need to talk we are a phone call or a message away ..You have been in my thoughts and prayers and even when you don't feel strong God is there for you..See you tomorrow on the day we will remember Nolans life..

Nicole said...

Ashley, that was the a beautiful post. I admire the strength that you have. You are right, Nolan touched so many lives and he is now in Heaven looking over you and Chris every single day. I wish I could be there tomorrow, I just know it is going to be beautiful. Sending lots of thoughts, prayers and strength.

Niki said...

Oh sweetie, your words remind me of my early days on this grief journey and my heart hurts for you. The grief of a mother who's lost a child is something so profound and the loss we've had cuts so deep. You are right that it sucks and it's a never ending journey that we face for a lifetime. If you are able to get up each morning and face the day, you are showing immense courage. I know it may not seem like it, but in those early days sometimes this is all we can muster the strength to do. Just like your precious Nolan you are a fighter and you will perservere--your little guy got those genes from his mommy and daddy. ((Hugs)) to you my dear.

India said...

I came across your blog from thebump.com, and it has absolutely changed my view on my pregnancy, being a mom, and the gift of life. I know it must be painful and carthartic in a way to share your thoughts on here, but everytime I read I say a prayer for you and your family. I think of you and your husband and Nolan throughout my day, and always feel such a tug at my heart wondering what you must be thinking and going through.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you all day tomorrow as you say goodbye to your little boy. You are an amazing woman and mother. Nolan was so blessed to have you as his mom for his short time on earth. No one could have done better.

Brittany said...

Ashley-

I've lost count of how many tears I have cried while reading your blog. I will be thinking of you and Chris and Nolan tomorrow.

Ashley said...

I am crying as I read this. What a beautiful tribute to your little fighter. I will be there in spirit tomorrow. Know that we are thinking of you and sending you all our strength.
xxoo

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

Ashley, I know that I'm sorry doesn't take away your pain but I am truly sorry for yours & Chris' lose & Nolan was a very lucky boy to have had the time that he had with his wonderful loving parents. You will all be in the thoughts & prayers today....

Jamie said...

Ashley everytime I read your blog I loose it, the way you write is BEAUTIFUL!!! I am so sorry for your lose, Nolan was your "fighter" and he will forever be watching over you. You and Chris are amazing and very strong people. I look up to you in many ways, going through something like this is very very difficult and the way you are able to express yourself takes a lot of strengh. Again I am very sorry and wish I could give you a HUGE hug. Nolan, you and Chris are in our prayers back here in Rockton. Nolan was a lucky little boy to have a MOMMY like you!!!

Laura said...

what a beautiful and heartfelt post. My heart breaks in a million pieces... Nolan truly was a miracle and in his short life he changed so many peoples lives.
I wish I could be there this evening, but I send all my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. GOD BLESS you and strengthen you on this difficult day...***HUGS***

cmatsukes said...

Ashley the way you write it makes me cry But I know that little guy was here for a reason I think it was to show us to always fight and appreciate what we really have our familes, husbands, children, friends are so special and we should be thankful that they have touched our lives. Nolan touched so many lives and I believe he made alot of people be gratful for what they have and all the love they have in their lives and I believe he will be watching over you and Chris and always give you strength and courage throughout the rest of your lives. I know I will not be there today but I will be in spirit we all are there with you.