One week since we said goodbye to our precious Nolan. One week since I was discharged from room 2211. One week since we came home and and started this thing they call grieving. And I hate it! And I have to say, today flat out plain just sucks. I've been strong so they say, I hear it everyday from family, friends and readers. But I sure haven't felt strong, especially today. So where is this so called strength, because I can't find it today.
I miss you Nolan, I want nothing more than for you to be here with us right now. I wish I could feel you kick those huge feet against the palms of my hand again or have you grasp on to the tip of my finger and hold on. I wish I could stare at you through the glass isolette and just be amazed at how you were there in front of us, a perfect product between your Daddy and I. I want to see you kick and move all over the place trying to get comfortable just like I do in bed. I just miss you so much Nolan. You were perfect in every way and I was longing for the day you would be well enough to be one of those mothers down in the drive up buckling you into the car for the first time and packing all your flowers and balloons into the trunk of the car. I couldn't wait to show you your perfect nursery all decked out in anchors and sailboats. But instead we are picking you up at a funeral home, bringing you home for one night before we place you in your final resting spot tomorrow. I really think you will like it Nolan, we picked a very special place. This special place will take care of you and we promise to come visit you all the time. Your service is going to be absolutely beautiful tomorrow, a lot of mommy and daddys family and friends are coming tomorrow to support us and say good bye to you Nolan. You have no idea how much you are loved, NO IDEA. Every single person that got a chance to meet you in the NICU left there and were so completely amazed by you, your daddy loved showing you off to everyone. Your Daddy was the best Daddy Nolan, and I feel in love with him all over again just watching him look at you and talk to you and blow you kisses goodnight when we would leave you to sleep in the NICU. He was so proud of his little fighter and so am I. I know I am being selfish when I say I wish you could have stayed with us, but I understand you were very sick and couldn't fight any longer. I'm sorry my body got so sick and we had to take you out- I know you weren't ready and were still growing in there, but Mommy had no other choice. I know if that wasn't the case, you would have listened to me and continued to grow and you would have waited just a little longer to make your appearance. I understand.
I hope one day we can give you a little brother or sister. I can't wait to explain to them what a special big brother they had. I can't wait till they can understand how brave you were and how much you fought. I know you didn't want to give up, but its is humbling to know you are not suffering anymore and and that you are in good hands and being taken care of up there in Heaven.
We love you Nolan. Tomorrow will be a day full of good and sad emotions. I need your strength little guy to get me through this. Look over us tomorrow.
I love you so much, and you will NEVER EVER be forgotten. You have touched so may lives little one. It just amazes me that so many people say your story has changed their lives and the way they look at things. You sure did have a mission on this earth and you didn't even know it.
Love you always and forever,