I never thought we would be in this position, just 2 weeks ago I was helping Val with details on our baby shower. We were getting ready to send out the invites she had made made had anchors and sailboats on them. They were absolutely perfect. Now fast forward to today and we are meeting with our church and planning our baby Nolan's service and where he will be laid to rest. Is this fair? Hell No! Talk about growing up real fast. No Mother and Father should ever have to go through these plans. I may be strong in some aspects but this is plan is one I am so not ready for. These past 6 months have really tested Chris and I's strength, for a newlywed couple we have gone through A LOT.
People have asked me if I am going to keep this blog and I thought a lot about it. I enjoy writing my feelings out, its almost like therapy to me. I NEVER EVER thought in a million years this blog would have so many hits and readers. I've NEVER have been good at writing but I guess when I talk from my heart it flows out easier. The thing that helped Chris and I both yesterday was so so so many people that left comments saying how much my blog (Nolan's story) has inspired or changed them. I never had those intentions.
Keep in mind, I started this blog back in January after finding out we were pregnant. It was for the sole purpose to share my pregnancy with my Mom who was all the way in Ohio. I wanted to write about what I was going through and share some pictures of my growing belly. I would have been something that if my Mom would have have done this with me, I would have loved to read it now. On May 7th, I decided to open the blog up to extended family, friends and strangers. All I wanted were a few extra prayers to help our baby. They gave us some pretty awful news and I needed some extra strength to get through it. I never thought sharing my feelings and Nolan's story would change so much for me.
Thank you again for all your thoughts, prayers the past month and a half. I can't thank the readers enough for making me feel like this blog had a purpose. In matter of fact, Chris always poked fun of me for writing in the blog. He never took the time to read it because he said he was living it with me. That was until yesterday when we went back to my hospital room together and we both sat down and went all the way back to the first blog post and read every single post. It helped remind me that this pregnancy started out pretty normal and happy normal feelings. I didn't always feel anxious and worried. He was so thankful I wrote this blog because it is such a great memory of Nolan. I then refused to leave the hospital yesterday until I wrote Nolan's last post, it was something I just had to do. I had to leave the hospital with a feeling I said it all. I owed it to Nolan to finish the last part of his story. Everything I knew of Nolan took place in that hospital. I found out I was severly sick there with Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome, that I was having him early there to save MY life from the HELLP and I lived there in room 2211 those few short days we spent with him. So when he left to lay peacefully asleep early that morning, it only felt right to write his last post from 2211.
I am so thankful I had the team of Dr's I had. I can't even tell you how great my OB's were. I put my trust into them and when every other specialist only had bad news to tell me, I knew I could turn to them and get some hope back. It's all I wanted. To Dr Fish, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I am so thanful you were there to deliver Nolan and I am SO thankful you came and cried with me yesterday. It shows Drs are still human and no matter what the tests showed, or what the root of the problem was, you still cared 110% how I felt. Thank YOU!
Thank you to the nurses that all took care of me in 2211, you guys were so great and I'm thankful you guys cared too.
This blog will still go on, I plan on keeping it to write out my feelings and share future experiences and pregnancies here. I never thought writing from my heart would make such a difference.
I miss Nolan more than anyone would ever know. He really did make me a Mother and I will always be but he taught me that love is so unconditional. He was and always will be so perfect. I am just happy I was able to have those 3 days with him, some mothers don't even get that. I love him. He was the most perect little baby I have ever seen.
I will annouce any service plans as soon as we know them today. Today just sucks, plain and simple.