Friday, June 12, 2009

Tough Day

I never thought we would be in this position, just 2 weeks ago I was helping Val with details on our baby shower. We were getting ready to send out the invites she had made made had anchors and sailboats on them. They were absolutely perfect. Now fast forward to today and we are meeting with our church and planning our baby Nolan's service and where he will be laid to rest. Is this fair? Hell No! Talk about growing up real fast. No Mother and Father should ever have to go through these plans. I may be strong in some aspects but this is plan is one I am so not ready for. These past 6 months have really tested Chris and I's strength, for a newlywed couple we have gone through A LOT.

People have asked me if I am going to keep this blog and I thought a lot about it. I enjoy writing my feelings out, its almost like therapy to me. I NEVER EVER thought in a million years this blog would have so many hits and readers. I've NEVER have been good at writing but I guess when I talk from my heart it flows out easier. The thing that helped Chris and I both yesterday was so so so many people that left comments saying how much my blog (Nolan's story) has inspired or changed them. I never had those intentions.

Keep in mind, I started this blog back in January after finding out we were pregnant. It was for the sole purpose to share my pregnancy with my Mom who was all the way in Ohio. I wanted to write about what I was going through and share some pictures of my growing belly. I would have been something that if my Mom would have have done this with me, I would have loved to read it now. On May 7th, I decided to open the blog up to extended family, friends and strangers. All I wanted were a few extra prayers to help our baby. They gave us some pretty awful news and I needed some extra strength to get through it. I never thought sharing my feelings and Nolan's story would change so much for me.

Thank you again for all your thoughts, prayers the past month and a half. I can't thank the readers enough for making me feel like this blog had a purpose. In matter of fact, Chris always poked fun of me for writing in the blog. He never took the time to read it because he said he was living it with me. That was until yesterday when we went back to my hospital room together and we both sat down and went all the way back to the first blog post and read every single post. It helped remind me that this pregnancy started out pretty normal and happy normal feelings. I didn't always feel anxious and worried. He was so thankful I wrote this blog because it is such a great memory of Nolan. I then refused to leave the hospital yesterday until I wrote Nolan's last post, it was something I just had to do. I had to leave the hospital with a feeling I said it all. I owed it to Nolan to finish the last part of his story. Everything I knew of Nolan took place in that hospital. I found out I was severly sick there with Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome, that I was having him early there to save MY life from the HELLP and I lived there in room 2211 those few short days we spent with him. So when he left to lay peacefully asleep early that morning, it only felt right to write his last post from 2211.

I am so thankful I had the team of Dr's I had. I can't even tell you how great my OB's were. I put my trust into them and when every other specialist only had bad news to tell me, I knew I could turn to them and get some hope back. It's all I wanted. To Dr Fish, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I am so thanful you were there to deliver Nolan and I am SO thankful you came and cried with me yesterday. It shows Drs are still human and no matter what the tests showed, or what the root of the problem was, you still cared 110% how I felt. Thank YOU!
Thank you to the nurses that all took care of me in 2211, you guys were so great and I'm thankful you guys cared too.

This blog will still go on, I plan on keeping it to write out my feelings and share future experiences and pregnancies here. I never thought writing from my heart would make such a difference.

I miss Nolan more than anyone would ever know. He really did make me a Mother and I will always be but he taught me that love is so unconditional. He was and always will be so perfect. I am just happy I was able to have those 3 days with him, some mothers don't even get that. I love him. He was the most perect little baby I have ever seen.

I will annouce any service plans as soon as we know them today. Today just sucks, plain and simple.

36 comments:

With a smile....Dannie said...

Love you Ash and Chris. Just remember we're all here for you guys. People around the world were touched by Nolans story. Let us know if you need anything at all.

Nicole said...

Ashley, Nolan touched so many lifes and his story made an impact!!! I will continue to keep you and Chris in my thoughts and prayers. We love you Ashley, please let us know if you need anything. We are here for you guys, any time.

Robyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robyn said...

I happened to come across your blog through a friend and I just wanted to extend my deepest sympathy for you and your family. Nolan will forever looking down on his amazing parents.

Amanda said...

You and your family are in my prayers.

I can't imagine what you've gone through in such a short amount of time. The roller coaster of emotions. What stands out to me is your strength. The pictures of you smiling at your precious baby boy. Smiling through worries and fears, because your love and hope is so strong. It is truly touching and inspiring. He is perfect and blessed to have such amazing parents. God bless you and your family. May he be with you and help guide you and help you heal. You have many prayers coming your way. His story has touched many lives.

Kimberly said...

You are right Ashley, parents should never have to bury a child. Its not fair, and I pray you both have the strength to deal with such heartbreak. I am so happy to hear that you had much a great team of doctors and nurses. It makes a world of difference. Little Nolan will forever be in my heart as well, I am glad you shared so much of your story with us and I look forward to future blog posts. (((hugs)))

Libby said...

Ashley and Chris-I have been checking the blog every day and am so overwhelmed now by sadness. Ashley, your writings are so full of love. God and Nolan are smiling down on you and yours now. Great big and tight hugs to you. Libby

Ashley said...

I am amazed at your strength. Your doc and nurses sound amazing. Please let us know if you need anything, we will help any way we can.

bhoida said...

Ashley, I have followed your blog anonymously throughout your pregnancy. I just wanted to let you know that you, your husband and Nolan are in my prayers! Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength is so admirable and inspiring.

ashley and jordan plus one said...

Ashley, I love you so much. I know that I live 1,500 miles away but always remember that I am here whenever you need me. I wish I could be there for you so badly.

I can't even fathom what you and Chris are feeling right now. My heart breaks for Nolan. He was truly a perfect little man.

chickymel said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us Ashley. No parent should ever have to go though this. You and Chris are amazingly strong and Nolan was so lucky to have you as parents for a short time. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers. Love you.

Shelley said...

Ash and Chris, I really wish I had something magical to say to make this not hurt as much. I know how ever heartbroken I am about this, it doesn't touch what you two feel. I just want you to know I care very much about you guys, and I'm thinking about you constantly. You have my every prayer and ounce of strength coming your way.

littlebrownie said...

Ashley & Chris,

I randomly stumbled across your blog not too long ago, I'm very sorry for your loss. I know there aren't any words that can soothe your pain, but I am so touched by your story. I know it hurts, but Nolan will always be a part of you and he will look down and watch over you. God bless.

Kristen said...

Ahley, you are right no parent should ever have to go through such heartbreak at the loss of a child. Your little man was amazing and he truly has touched many lives without us even meeting him. You and chris are and will always be amazing parents even if it is to your new angel. Take comfort in knowing he is ok now. No matter how unfair that is he is in good hands and will be keeping you safe forever. You are constanly in my thoughts in prayers.

Alleigh said...

My heart goes out to you, Chris, and the rest of your family. Know that you have a lot of people thinking about you as you make through this incredibly difficult time. I'm so sorry.

Wendy said...

All my prayers are with you right now Ash & Chris. I am so sorry you have to bury your little boy. Nolan's time was much too short and it isn't fair. He was one lucky litle guy to have such amazing parents.

Natalie said...

I just wanted to say that there are so many people out there that have been touched by your family's story. People you don't know and never will are praying for you guys. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and I for one look forward to keeping up with you guys through this blog. My continued thoughts and prayer to both of you.

~Fellow knottie/nestie

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

I know that there is nothing that I can say to make any of this better for you & your family but just know that you are in my thoughts & prayers every minute of everyday & I hope that over time your heart begins to heal!!

marelina said...

No parent should ever go through what you are going through. I send you my strength for today. You and Chris are in my thoughts and prayers. Your doctors and nurses sounded amazing and I am happy to hear y'all had such a wonderful team.

Much love!
Marelina

Morgan said...

You're right, Ash, writing from the heart makes all the difference in the world. Im so glad Chris finally read this! It's such a beautiful show of love for your baby and for him as well. Keep writing!

Azull said...

I just hope I would have the strength you and Chris have right now, if something terrible happens to us. You guys are amazing, and amazing parents. Tons of hugs to help you through this process.

Amanda said...

Ashley and Chris, my heart continues to break for you. My thoughts and prayers are continuing for you during this difficult time. I cannot imagine the position you are in. Nolan, even before he was born, touched so many lives. Although his life was cut short, in his three short days, he made us all remember what life and love is all about. Please let me know if you need ANYTHING...(((HUGS))))

~Amanda/indyarmybride/MrsWoobie

LOVE YOU ASHLEY!

Katy said...

We love you so much Ashley, Chris and Nolan. Ashley, you're right, it's not fair for any parent to ever have to bury their child. I wish I could be there for you in person more than anything in the world. I'm so sorry for everything you're having to go through. Please know that I'm here for you any time. Nolan is lucky to have parents like you and Chris. Thank you for letting us into your lives in such a personal way. You story has changed all of us forever.

Sarah said...

I can't even begin to imagine the pain and heartache you and Chris are feeling. Be strong for each other. I know Nolan will remain in your hearts forever. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Eleise said...

Ashley,

Wow. That is the only word that comes to mind when I read your blog. It is so appropriate that you named your son Nolan, which means little fighter. He obviously got his strength from you and Chris. You two are amazing parents! Sending lots of love and hugs from Ohio!

Mrs.F said...

My heart truly breaks for you. I can't imagine what you & your family are going through, but my prayers are with you. My prayers are with baby Nolan & I know he is in such a good place right now.

Cory said...

Ashley you have so much strength, and I admire you for that. I was reading your blogs the other day and sitting with my girls explaining to them and showing them adorable pics of Nolan; that night the girls and I prayed for you and baby Nolan, it was so touching to see how one life can touch someone elses. My daughter asks me all the time now about how you are. Stay strong and remember that people love you!

Leah Stafford said...

Life is never fair but I know you Ashley, I know you are a strong, beautiful person with so much strength! Nobody will ever forget Nolan and I appreciate so much sharing the journey with us! Love you all :)

SgtEriksWife said...

Ashley - it is so evident that your thoughts and words come from deep within your soul. Thank you for sharing your precious Nolan Michael with us. We loved him before he was born, loved him when he made his grand entrance, loved him as he fought so hard, and will love him always. He truly owns a piece of our hearts. Because no words seem powerful enough to show our condolences, I wrap you in hugs... always. Lisa & Erik

Caryn said...

Ashley,
My friend Melissa sent me the link to your blog and has filled me in on the story of your beautiful sons life. No parents should ever should have to endure such pain and heartbreak. Please know that I have also shared Nolan's story with others and you have many people here in Massachusetts praying for you and your family.

Dean said...

I never met you personally, but saw you a lot and heard a lot about you on the DW board. I just recently caught up on your blog and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I may not have ever had the chance to meet Nolan, but through your blog I feel like I have. Thank you for sharing your story, Nolan will forever be remembered and he touched many lives.

Christy said...

I can't imagine the pain you and your family are going through. Nolan was a special baby that touched so many lives. He will be missed. You and your family are in our thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jamie said...

I just wanted to stick my nose in and say this... I lost my precious baby at 22 weeks, in March, so I've been there. You're right on - if I were you, do this: print out copies of this blog, and then save it to your hard drive too. Trust me, at times, reading those things you wrote on a whim will help remind you some days that there was still good in what happened. I know that sounds ridiculous, but remember, you were blessed with a beautiful son. He just was too small to stay very long. ::: hugs ::: you are in my prayers.

Emily said...

Ashley and Chris,
You have no idea who I am but I heard about your journey through a mutual friend, Amanda Campbell. I saw and her facebook status that she was praying for you and your family. I decided to check out your blogs from there. I sat for over an hour reading your inspirational blogs. I cried and prayed as I was reading. I am currently a new mother of a 2.5 week old and your story has made me realize how fortunate I am to have had a healthy pregnancy. Even though I complained almost daily for being so uncomfortable. I am truly touched by your strength. I would have been a mess and Ill never forget you...You are in my prayers and Nolan is in a good place there is no doubt about that. And one day you will reunite with him there and hold him again. Please continue to fight and good luck with future pregnancies. You are a great mother and will be again one day!! Take Care! Many Blessings Emily Brescher

Theresa said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I just cannot imagine how hard this is for you and I am heartbroken for you.

Ashley said...

We are all praying for you and your family. Nolan touched so many lives and I believe he will continue to. My heart goes out to you. No parent should ever have to lay their child to rest. (((hugs))) Let us know if you need anything.