Monday, June 22, 2009

Steps

One step in front of another, every single morning is a challenge. I hate mornings more than anything. It feels so good to sleep and dream, just dream about anything. But waking up and realizing reality feels like a knife in the heart all over again.

Today we are working on Nolan's old nursery. We decided not to paint over the beautiful blue we had started. I feel if we were to paint that room in a new color it feels like we are erasing part of Nolan, and I DO NOT want that feel to the room. So instead, we are not adding the wainscoting, and just painting the bottom half white, adding chair rail and still using the curtains we purchased for Nolan's nursery. We are going to go get our Nautical Chart framed this week and add a small plaque to the bottom that says, "In memory of our Ruby Baby, Nolan Micheal" or something along those lines. We bought a ceiling fan to install so my Dad can do that. I still plan on using Nolan's sailboat lamp in this room. I just want this room to be a place I can feel comfortable in and go to and think about my baby Nolan.

The ONLY thing I am going to sell is Nolan's bedding. His nautical anchor bedding. I can and never would use if for another child and I spent a pretty penny on it, Nolan is our one and only Ruby Baby. I know a lot of girls would love to get it for a cheaper price. So when I sell it, I will use the money towards Nolan's Guardian Angel Fund. It only seems right.

We know in the future when a baby sister or brother is on the way we MAY have to repaint again or what not, but for the time being this will be perfect. So THANK YOU Mom and Dad for taking care of this for Chris and I. It makes it so much easier on us. I wish that we were fixing up Nolan's nursery instead this week like we had planned, but that's not the case so this will have to do.

So I have to remember, one foot in front of the other. Trust me, it's hard, I hate it, and grieving sucks. Chris and I are so different when it comes to grieving and that's perfectly okay. And honestly, I am glad we are different because I need him to push me and get me out of bed every morning. I can't wait for the Ashley everyone knows to start shining through again. But I hope as my friends and family, you will hang in there with me and deal with me in the time being. I also can't wait for this blog to take a positive vibe to it, but as we know...this is all real, takes time and wont change over night.

9 comments:

Shaina N said...

It's okay to be negative and to have negative thoughts - it's all a part of the grieving process! We don't mind reading about it, honest. It's understandable that you have those thoughts and feelings, and honestly, I'd be concerned if you didn't! Just take it like you are, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

You and Chris are in my thoughts and prayers!

cmatsukes said...

It is perfectly ok to be the way you are today that is the process I know been there it takes time and your old self will come back I know it feels like it won't but it will. I am glad you are not changing the color you should keep your bedding you might change your mind Nolans spirit can live on just wait alittle don't make any decisions now see what you feel like in a month or so about it. Believe me your feelings will change. Take care and rest and dont go back to work to early I did and it was not a good thing.
Love you guys stay strong I watched Nolans Video again he truly is the cutest little angel.

Wendy said...

take all the time you need Ashley! ((hugs))

cathy said...

You are doing great girly.. don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Of course we hate that all of this had to take away our happy Ashley for a while.. but who could expect anything more when you lose a child? It changes your life forever, but Nolan will get you through this... and he will help all of us know the right things to do and say for you. He is such a smart and strong little man. We love you and look forward to coming over with some pot pie soon!!!

SgtEriksWife said...

Yes, grieving takes time. A lot of time. Just move at your own pace. Someday, you'll start to be able to smile more than cry when you recall memories of Nolan. Every day is an adjustment, Ashley. Don't push yourself. You'll come to cherish the moments with smiles -- as they will be the things you treasure most. You're doing a great job so far. Use every ounce of support you have -- because that's what its there for. And always let me know if there's anything we can do for you & Chris. ::hugs:: - Lisa & Erik

Laura said...

i think it is wonderful what you are doing with Nolan's nursery! My heart pours out to you in this difficult time...***HUGS***

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
linknblogs said...

Be well. You are loved.

Morgan said...

That's a great idea for the nursery